Zach's Thoughts
I hadn't spoken a word the entire day. We had an interview this morning, and, even though some of the questions were directed at me, I just shrugged and said "I don't know". I kept my shades on the whole day too. I didn't need someone asking me what was wrong if they could tell by my eyes.
"Eyes are windows to the soul." She said one time.
"And yours, my dear, are the most beautiful in the world." I had said, smiling so whole-heartedly as I held her close in my arms.
I shook my head to clear the memory. It wasn't worth crossing my mind.
We were home; the sun a few hours before sunset at five o'clock. I went upstairs and shut the door to my room without so much as a backwards glance. I took off my white tee and traded it for my "Sweater Weather" black tank. I then grabbed my white guitar and went out onto the balcony. The trees below were lightly waving with the breeze. There was a woman jogging below them on the sidewalk, and somewhere behind our house on the lake somebody was zooming around in a boat. Typical noises and sights of other peoples' nice and fine lives.
I strummed nothing really-not a note in particular. I stepped in circles while watching my hands just to pass time. The comforting, floating notes of my intrument were doing little work, but....... my mind hurt. I couldn't think of anything though I desperately wanted to.
Her.
Stabs of different forms pained me at once when that one word launched into my subconcious. Her. Of all things to say, of all things to think about, it just had to be that. Why couldn't I have though about... Junipee first? The cute blonde who ran out after Bryan told her to leave? Or perhaps Liv-the brunette who was interning at the studio? Maybe even Dyer or Piper- two other girls I hooked up with. Why couldn't I have thought of them first and not that bitch?
I found no solace in calling her that. I felt something, but denied it to myself. There was no need for her anymore, no need for someone so evil and wrong. So backstabbing as Koda.
In my aimless wandering, I had walked myself into her old room-well, some of her things were still here so it technically was still hers. I still smelled her natural scent-bodywash and a comforting Koda-ness-, still felt her prescence. I sat on the bed and eased myself back against the wall, just looking at all the posters on her walls. Quotes, a movie poster, a lot of black and white images, song lyrics made by her hand on the walls. My eyes littered onto her bedside table where I saw her sketchbook.
I never looked in there, never really thought about it until now. I reached over and flipped through the black binding. Doodles and tattoo work, a few song lyrics......
a detailed picture of Jesse.
I kept looking and, on the seventh page from the back, there was a picture of..
me.
I looked at it carefully. I was looking down, my hair laying in its usual way. I had on my leather jacket, and under that a black shirt like the one I wore now with our symbol on it. Outside of me were a few smudge marks from her shading, and in the bottom corner said:
"I loved you before you even knew it."
I shut the book and returned to my position on the bed. I plucked some chords, trying to distract myself and shake these feelings. No. I told myself. She doesn't deserve you and you don't want that bitch back. I nodded and continued playing. One strum lead into another and another until I knew what I was playing.
