Jesse's Thoughts
Somewhere near two o'clock in the morning, I stumbled onto the floor we were on at the hotel. I had went out shortly after we cleaned up gear and left the arena, and shortly after seeing Koda and hugging her. I sat in the back room which was a wall over from where she and Zach fucked and I heard it all. Every whimper, every whine. Gawd how I wanted so bad to fuck her myself, to stick my dick inside her and make her scream again. Holy fuck. The feeling was so overwhelming.
So I locked the door and sat there, unzipping my pants and grabbing myself and fighting furiously with it. Oh, I needed her walls enclosing over me, I needed her hot and furious passion dripping all down my length and turning the pit of my stomach to ashes. Burning me from the inside out. I needed to feel her fuck me one good time. Just one more. Like one more cookie out of the jar, like one more shot of vodka at the bar. Just one.
I hushed and listened.
There was the wobble of the chair in that room I heard ricketing. I could only imagine the position they were in, only see her being slid in and out of by nothing really. I didn't see my best friend there inside of her, inside of his own fiancée. I only saw her body curved and writhing, her languid spine arched, her mouth open full, her nails digging into the chair. Her legs spread and holding onto the mass between them. Oh, it was me. It was me, I said in my brain. It was me fucking her good and giving her a go. Me all along like it should be.
But then she yelled his name and it ruined it.
"ZACH!!!" follow by unnamable screaming and moaning that still made me cum. Gawd I wanted her. Needed her prescence. It was angering. It was hell.
And to clean things up, clear my flustered face before anyone saw me, I hit the streets and headed out to a bar fifteen minutes away. I didn't know Atlanta well, so I stopped in the first place I saw that was far enough from that gawddamned arena with her chiming voice and open legs. It should be me.
In anger and frustration, I took round after round of liquor, whiskey; any damned thing that would waste me and make me senseless to the point that I couldn't think about her, and for split moments, it worked. But those were only the times when I had to make sure I wasn't going to spill the shots all over myself and loose the alcohol. Those were the only times I didn't see her gawdamned face behind my eyelids, in my mind, right in front of my face. I was determined to get fucked up, to drown her along with myself in the shiny sheathe of sweat building on my flesh. In the clear but toxic glasses, in the blackening and unfocused dawns in that bar. Yes, I was intent on letting it all go that night because if I didn't, I would make the same mistake I had before and I simply couldn't let that happen again.
How I made it back to the hotel is all hazy and sketchy; I just kind of wasn't there then I was. I fell on the floor outside of my room and rubbed my eyes with my palm heels. My eyes were puffy and it was hard to see clearly, but I could hear. Surprisingly, I could hear. I heard a shimmery female voice cooing in the room next to mine that I sat out of, calling softly, over an over, something I couldn't quite understand. There was nothing loud or rushed about it, no trace of speed or anguish; just a voice speaking to thin air. Her air. And it was then I think I knew she was back, she had returned to be with Zach again, in his room right next to mine, and that she was here. Right there, only a few feet away, behind a wall and a door, probably laying in the bed with him and watching the essence of one another. My mouth curled into a sour one and my eyes stung with salt water. I got up in a feebled, terrified, and blistered-with-fury heap, and bounced into my door as I tried to open it. I juggled with the mechanics until it flew open with my weight to propel it, and in I fell onto the floor, my foot slamming the door shut behind me.
And so I lay there by the crown-molding at the bottom of the wall, my head so close to the leg of a chair I could flinch and hit it. I was just laying there, not really sure why or how-or even when until I slowed down- until I realized I had got there by my own stupidity. But that didn't stop me. I lolled to my side and closed my eyes, sighing over and over again, trying to fuel my lungs because it felt like they were closing, or maybe because my body was too fucked up to do so on its own, I had forgotten that I needed to breathe and was finally trying to do so. At any rate I was trying, and it seemed to put me at ease.
