Common past || Markhyuck

3.

I looked uncertainly at Minhyung, seeking the right moment to say aloud these three magical words. I convinced myself that I'm not losing anything by doing this. I can say I was joking, or put it down on youthful stupidity. I wanted to believe that the saying 'I love you' would not change anything in our relationship.

And yet I was afraid.

"You want to tell me something?" Minhyung asked unexpectedly, looking still ahead. I shivered.

"Why?" I muttered under my breath, clenching my fingers on backpack's shoulder.

"You are exceptionally quiet today," he laughed cheerfully. "I thought something happened."

We came in silence to the intersection of the dirt roads, where each one of us walked in his direction. The boy sighed heavily, sending me a tired smile. He looked like he had some sleepless nights behind him. Recently, I started to worry about boy more than usual, although Minhyung pretended that everything was the same as it used to be.

"I ..." I started uncertainly.

"Hm?" The boy muttered, concentrating his attention on me. "What?" He laughed as my words still didn't come out.

"Will we go somewhere tomorrow after school?" I asked uncertainly. I feel like I couldn't do it today. I needed one extra day. Only one. Tomorrow I'll finally screw it out of me.

"Where do you want to go?" He gave me a questioning look.

"I don't know ... just go out somewhere ... together," I whispered uncertainly, glancing down at my shoes. I was pathetic. So embarrassing ...

"Sure," Minhyung replied enthusiastically, ruffling my hair. "I'll take you for the ice cream after classes," he said calmly, putting his hand on my shoulder. "I have something to say to you anyways," he added more quietly, sighing heavily. "Then... see you tomorrow, Hyuckie".

I stood for a moment at the intersection of two dirt roads, looking towards the direction that led to Minhyung's house. Once again I remembered our conversation. The last one, indeed. Because Minhyung didn't show up the next day at school, he didn't pick me up from the class, he vanished into thin air, and the words I love you left  in my throat - unspoken. 

I still remember the outline of his back, diminishing in the distance. I watched him for a long time, looking forward to the next day and fearing what would happen after my confession. I experienced it again, again playing every detail of our last meeting. That's why my visit to his old house today seemed terribly unreal. As if I got a second chance from the fate, but not quite so. I will not tell him that I love him. After five years these words have lost their original meaning. There was fear. I was afraid of them, as if it was because of them all that happened. If not for this stupid love, I could lead a completely different life now.

This love destroyed me.

This love created Haechan.

When Minhyung's house was in the sight, a strange shudder passed through me. I pulled the sweatshirt harder on my hands, struggling with the burning need to embrace myslef. It was a bit cool as for the middle of summer, but I had the impression that the main cause of my inner cold were the demons of the past.

When I was in the driveway, Minhyung just came out of the house holding a huge cardboard box with junk poking out of it. I approached him slowly, without saying a word. The boy himself didn't even notice me through the limited visibility because of carton. When I wanted to say something, Minhuyng's leg slipped from the last step and the boy lost his balance. I grabbed the box at the last minute, wondering how he was able to handle such a heavy case by himself.