Too Young and Blind (High School Hamilton)

6/10

Victoria

If I stay here, they won't say anything to me. If I stay in this room, they won't see me. If I only see these four walls, they won't notice me. At least, I wish that's how it had worked. But they'd noticed, they'd seen, and they'd said.

I'm a dumbass, apparently. This wasn't completely accurate, I had As and Bs in every class but one, but, because I've got a D in Geometry all of a sudden I've got the intelligence of a walnut. It wasn't that I wasn't trying, I was trying so so so so so hard! I watched video after video, I practiced until it was 8am the next morning and my fingers were cramping, but it didn't matter. I couldn't retain the information, which was bullshit! I can memorize countless songs and entire movie dialogues, musical scripts, even the first few amendments to the United States Constitution-also known as the Bill of Rights. But I couldn't remember how the fuck to find the length of an arc inside a circle so I must be a moron. Logic. Ugh.

I'm lazy, apparently. I mean that ones sort of true, but only when it doesn't count! If I was told to do something by a teacher such as get supplies for the whole class out of a closet I'd do it instantly with no hesitation because I respect teachers. If I noticed a mess inside my own house I'd clean it up because I'm not the only one here. But because Nathaniel gets my food sometimes while I stay in my room I'm lazy. Again, logic. I only have Nate get them because I was afraid to leave this room, the instant I leave I know they'll ridicule me.

I'm ugly, apparently. I don't think this is true. I mean, I'm not drop dead gorgeous but I'm not ugly, it's not like I'm miles from ugly but that's not what I am. I'm pretty plain, bland, average. I feel like a 6/10. But they didn't care, I'm ugly because "I don't try" what does that mean? Basically, it means I don't put on makeup. I've been compared to the Grudge Girl on more than one occasion. Makeup doesn't mean looks, yes, it can enhance features or even manipulate them with contour but under it all people are still who they are, I've never felt a need to wear makeup except on special occasions because it really only adds to my face not compliment it. That's my logic.

I'm self-centered, apparently. I'm not. I don't try to be, at least. I try to help others, I try to donate to good causes, I try to do my part on everything, I try to be outspoken on injustice; though I'll be the first to admit that I'm no Alexander Hamilton. I don't try to make everything about me and I try to understand other people's plights, I try. I can't say I'm perfect at it, I'm not and I don't think anybody is, but we can at least try, right? At least, that sounds logical to me.

I'm mean, apparently. Okay, I don't even understand this one. I refuse to speak down on people, I refuse to fight with people, I refuse to glare or mean mug, I refuse to be mean unless provoked. If I saw somebody being bullied you can bet your sweet ass I'd march over and tell them to back the fuck off but other than that I try to be a good person. I think I'm a nice person and I think that as long as somebody sincerely tries then there is no way that they're mean. That's the most logical explanation, I think.

I'm hurtful, apparently. Want to know where this one came from? I refused a hug. My Father came to hug me and I refused it because he'd been doing nothing but talk me down and I didn't want to touch him, and that "hurt him". Apparently it's okay to hurt me but if I say no to anything suddenly I'm the bad guy and I'm the dick and I'm the one in the wrong. Fucking logic, am I right?

I'm ungrateful, apparently. I am grateful for many things though; I'm grateful for Nate, for my friends, for the love I get from them, I'm grateful to my teachers and the staff at the school, I'm grateful for safe places, I'm grateful for theater, I'm grateful that I can express myself in public. But I cannot be grateful for a childhood of neglect, abuse, and bullying. I cannot be grateful for being told I'm overreacting when I've grown fearful of a man who hits me, I cannot be grateful for a woman who tells me I'm wrong about things I've discovered about myself, I cannot be grateful at being forced to grow up too fast, I cannot be grateful because my childhood wasn't anything that a childhood should be. I must be the least grateful to these two people, these two people who labelled themselves my parents. So yes, with that logic, I'm ungrateful, but only to them as I've got many things to be grateful for and many things that I am grateful for, but none of them except my brother have the last name 'Hale' and I don't think I will ever be grateful for them, the only thing they've done that I could ever be grateful for is making my twin brother.

But there's one more thing, just one. One thing I can't disagree with because somewhere I agree with it, a part of me agrees with it even though my entire being wants me to reject it. I try to tell myself I'm too awesome for it, I try to tell myself to have some confidence, I try to tell myself that they have no room to talk, I try to tell myself that they're just assholes who will try and tear me down no matter what I do, say, or try. But a part of me thinks it's true, and slowly a larger part of me is starting to agree.

What is that one thing?

Well, I'm fat, apparently.