Emily's Escape

Flash-forward nr. 2 (chapter 47)

Sheer panic rushed through me. I was struggling to breathe and everything seemed as if under water. Every noise was muffled and the only clear sound was my dangerously fast heartbeat.

I was trying to get up from the floor of the bathroom, but it felt as if the floor was pulling me down. I grabbed the walls and tried to stand up correctly. As I finally got up straight, I fell down again, this time puking into the toilet bowl. It was a mess and I got it all over my hands, as I was unprepared. This hasn't happened for a while and I really thought I overcame it all by myself. I really thought I had. I knew he was getting suspicious again, and the fights followed like a shadow. I could never have even a slight relapse without avalanches of fights rolled over us. It seemed to go hand in hand. Last time was seven months ago, and I had ended up staying at a hotel for a night. Carter was quick to come get me home, though.

I knew this was hard for him as well. Not only was it putting a strain on our relationship, it was getting to his head now too. He asked me if his love wasn't enough, if he wasn't enough. That fight ended up with me crying and asking if he was going to leave me. He said he wouldn't.

Many fights had been pilling up just like that, and I felt I had to do something. I knew I was the one causing all of these troubles anyway. He was too good to be put through all of this, and I honestly couldn't take it either. I needed to do something before it was too hard and I would be absorbed into this toxic behavior once again.

I dried my mouth and hands with some toilet paper and got up. My legs nearly couldn't support me and I trembled as I walked to the sink.

I had called in sick today. The thoughts had been nagging this morning and I knew I wasn't fit to attend patients. Patients with problems they could do nothing about. I had to something while I still could.

Washing my hands, mouth, and face, I felt a little better. The cold water was soothing and I felt myself relax. After spraying and scrubbing the toilet and the floor surrounding it, I took the phone and sat down in the couch.

It was better when I was sitting, I felt like fainting every time I was standing up. I hadn't eaten in nearly 48 hours and the hunger was definitely getting to me.

As I was pressing the number, I felt so guilty. I had something eating up my stomach and the lump in my throat didn't help either.

"Baby? Is everything okay?" I exhaled my intake of air and tried to speak. After multiple attempts of opening my mouth and then closing it, I finally got out the words.

"I need help, Carter. It's bad again. I'm so sorry. I lied yesterday. I wasn't out with Flora; I was walking in the park, avoiding dinner. I'm so sorry," I squeaked. He sighed. I knew this was hard for him every single time. We both knew this was going to take time, but I don't think any of us were prepared for me to relapse so many times after college. My years in college was really great, and I nearly didn't relapse at all, but after we graduated, it went downhill and it had been a struggle many times since then.

"It's okay, Em. I'll be home as soon as I can, and I'll bring some soup. We will start there and we will make an appointment with Dr. Fitzgerald on Monday. How does that sound?" The sound of his voice soothed the panic that was still within me. He knew what to do since this wasn't the first time, and I felt bad, but grateful.

"Okay. I'm so sorry, Carter. I really am."

"It's okay, I'm glad you're calling me. Though I'm at the southwest office, so it'll take some time before I'm home, but I'll hurry. Don't do... Just sit tight, okay, baby?" I nodded, but then said okay. He hung up with a promise of being home shortly and I drew my feet up under me. He would be here soon. It would be okay. He would be here soon.

***

A suit covered Carter barged through the door and I immediately started crying when I saw his face. I knew this was taking a toll on him.

"Emily," he said. I could hear he was disappointed.

"I know." He hugged me tightly and I wrapped my arms around his waist. I noticed him making sure not to touch my waist. I hated that he knew every single one of my triggers, it scared me. My regret of everything made me cry harder into his chest, and his grip tightened.

"Emily, it'll be okay, I promise. It's good you told me. This way, we can work through it before it gets too hard, you know?" I nodded in his hold. He released me and sat us both down on the couch.

"It's like a war inside my mind," I said as he handed me the Styrofoam bowl and a spoon.

"I know, but it'll get worse if you don't eat right now. You don't have to be scared, Em. I will be there afterwards, I promise." It always helped me when Carter stayed around after I ate. His presence stopped me from doing anything stupid.

After I had eaten the entire bowl of soup, we both just sat in the couch not saying anything.

"I'm glad you called me, Em, though, I'm not glad it happened at all. What triggered you?" He knew something had happened; otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation right now. It was always something.

I sighed. I didn't want to say this. It was stupid. "It was at the hospital. I tried to buy a snickers in the wending machine since I was working a double shift," I explained. I felt awful having to explain to my boyfriend why I bought a chocolate bar. I couldn't just say I did so, I had to explain why. Or else I would be scared he found me fat. "It got stuck in the machine and I thought it was a sign from someone or something. They were telling me not to eat. They were showing me it. And I haven't eaten since." Carter put his arm around me and pressed me further into him.

"You can't think like that, Em. I know it's hard, but at least understand that no one thinks of you like that. And your food getting stuck in a machine isn't a sign for you not eat; it's something that happens to everyone. It's life." I sighed and put my head on his shoulder. I knew it was true, but it was hard to understand. It was something easier said than done.

"Thank you for coming home, and thank you for understanding. I know I'm a crappy girlfriend," I said with a chuckle.

"You are, but I put op with it since I couldn't be without you," he said and poked my nose. I hated myself for doing this to him, but I loved him for letting me. He never stopped helping me. He never stopped loving me. He never stopped being there.

_______________________

Sorry for quite a late update! I just started at a new school and since I struggle with social anxiety, it's been really hard and demanded a large part of my mind and time haha.  

Sooo, Emily is in a relapse and has been many times since they both graduated college.. How do we feel about that? Or actually, if you fell anything besides sad, you're weird hahah. I feel very bad for her, but it's what is realistic in most cases. 

Carter still loves and support her, but they have had a few fights now. They aren't really a couple that fight a lot, but something like this I can see why they would fight more often about it. 

Let me know what you think, and let me just say that next flash-forward will be a good one! 

See you next time

XX