Just a Memory.

Chapter 7

~Harry's letter~

My dearest, sweetest, love, Kacie Tompson:

You may have a lot of questions for me right now. I don't know when you are reading this. By when, I mean age. Whether it's age 18 or 25, but whatever it is I just want you to know that I'm ok. I'm better. This is what I want or wanted that is. You may not understand k-bear, but I'm happy now. I don't have to deal with my mother constantly nagging at me for school or to go socialize more often. I don't need to deal with Zayn and his complaining about us as a couple. I don't have to deal with the constant internal battle of the negative voices, I don't have to fight anymore. I can just give up. I defiantly don't have to deal with the bullies at school. No matter what I did or try to convince them that we were dating and happy, they would still bully me for being "gay". Yes, I still got picked on. The only reason why I lied to you was because I love you. Love. That's a crazy word for me. I would have never expected to be loved by anyone so much the way you do to me. I'm so grateful for your love Kac. You may think I'm crazy for this but I'm sorry. I don't deserve you. I never have. Ever since we started dating I always said to myself that someday you're going I break up with me because there was someone else on the side. That I was pathetic and weak. The night we took each other's virginity may have been the best night of my life but also my worst. I couldn't deal with the constant reminders that we were never meant to be. There is someone better out there for you. I'm someone who would end up alone forever. I couldn't allow myself to do that to you babe. You needed someone you can count on 110%. Someone who was stable enough mentally and emotionally along with physically.

I am not that person.

I don't think I ever will be that person. I'm sorry again for doing this to you, but I have too. I have to leave and never come back. I have to do this I'm sorry if you don't understand. In fact I don't think you even will. I want you to find someone who loves you. Someone who will be there for you no matter what. I talked to Liam yesterday, he said he would be that person. He has always been that person. He loves you just as much as I do. In fact maybe he love you more. He's just right for you not me. Not a suicidal, self harmer who thinks he is no good for anything. Not a man who thinks he's fat for just eating a fucking apple. Not some curly haired boy who can't even keep his feelings inside and has to rely on his girlfriend to keep him anchored. It should be the other way around. I should be your anchor. I should be the one always there for you when your aunt calls you names or your uncle tries to do something. I should have been there to keep you safe when your parents died. Or when your father actually decided to cross the line and hit you. I should be there, but I'm not. And I never could. Not like Liam can. Liam is your other half. Not me. I can no longer live like this Kacie, someone who has to fake happiness just to be with his girlfriend. That should be an automatic thing to make me happy but it isn't. My razor and pills are. They make me happy and it's wrong. So fucking wrong K. I can't do this anymore baby. I need to let go of my life and just die. I deserve it. You'll be happy. You'll have Liam, my mom, Gemma. You can replace me. I'm sure my family would prefer that than having me as their kid. Please move on and please don't let this death take over your life. You're beautiful and I love you. I love you so damn much Kacie Michelle Tompson. I guess this is... Goodbye.

Yours forever and always,

Harry Styles.

Ps: there's a gift for you in my closet. It's in the secret box we hide when we were 8.

When I finished reading this letter I couldn't see. I can't believe it. What did I just read? None of it made sense. It was all over the place. It's like he planned on me not finding, or talking to his mom, about him. Like he wanted to keep this letter a secret. I wish he was here. I wish I could ask him all the questions going through his mind. I wish me just told me the trust behind the bruises he would get, or when people would yell "LARRY" in the middle of the hall whenever Harry, Lou and I were together. Why was Liam involved? What does Liam know that I don't? Does he know more than me? Why did harry say Liam would make me happier? I love Liam like a brother and nothing more right? Of corse I do! Harry was/still is my life. He was my anchor so whatever he ment by him not being my anchor was bullshit. He was my everything so why did he leave me behind? If anyone was to good for him it's me! I deserve to not be here, he should be living life and not in the ground 6 feet under. It should be me, I should have done it long ago, before I got attached to harry. Before my unc-

"Kacie?" Anne interrupted my thoughts. I couldn't look at her, I knew my eyes were blood shot from crying to much.

"Ju-just a minute..." I whispered to her, knowing she heard me because the door shut once again. Once I knew the area was clear, I nearly threw the laptop on the ground and ran over to the closet. I tore open the door and ransacked his closet. My vision was getting blurry because all emotions were hitting me right then and there. Finally after I tore apart the closet, I found the secret compartment. We made it when we were 6. We would put anything in there. I carefully opened it and put the door to the side. I looked in and found the shiny rainbow rock we found in the park when we were kids, a bunch of pictures we drew of us and our "dream" families. There was my box of things I didn't want and then there was Harry's. We promised our 14 year old selves that whatever we put in there; we would never take out. Not in a million years. Then I found it. There was a small box wrapped in blue and white poke-a-dotted wrapping paper. Taped to it was a card. I took out the box and card and walked back to Harry's bed. I took a seat on the bed and crossed my legs. I placed the box on the bed and opened the card.

"To the love of my life.

From the suicidal asshole who left you alone." I read while crying.

"Dear K-bear,

this is our day. I got this months ago. Unsure if I was actually going to go through with it. I promised myself that if I didn't I would never show you this card and wait a few more months for the box. But if I did go through with it, I would give it to you. I love you and enjoy the box.

Harry Styles."

I reached for the box, scared to see what's in it, terrified if I'm going to be ready mentally to even open it.

I grabbed it and unwrapped the box. I opened it, and there sat a small ring with a diamond bow on it. The case said Kays. I started crying, uncontrollably. Anne ran in and grabbed me, holding me as I cried. Taking away the pain, erasing all the hurt that started coming back. All I wanted was Harry. All I wanted was happiness. I knew I could never get it.

All I know and remember is lying down in the bed, mumbled "Mum" knowing I was talking to Anne, and listening to Anne talking to someone on my cell phone.

Then, for the 2nd time that day, everything went dark.

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A/N: hey guys!! Sorry it's so long? Idk I write all this on my iPhone on the app...So what did you think? Harry's letter is kinda sweet/upsetting I know... Maybe Liam will actually take Harry's place, what do you guys think?? it would mean a lot to me if you guys commented.. I've been very tired for the past 2 days, I've never have pcd this bad!! 5sauce is amazing live and can't believe it haha but I think that's all I'll say about my personal life right now... Love you guys and have a fantastic Easter!!!! <33