Bound To The Stars

Re & Born.

I sat down on the rocks staring at the water. The environment was so serene and peaceful, I loved it. I had made up my mind not to cry but just to clear my head.

I stood up and walked towards the water, I didn't know for how long I was standing in the water until I felt someone grab me from behind.

"Hanan! What do you think you're doing? You want to kill yourself?" His voice sounded very upset.

Who told him I wanted to commit suicide?

I turned around.

"Ibrahim.. I..I..."

"Haba Hanan. I know you're hurting but you think suicide is the solution? You want to leave me with all the pain in this world? Did you for one second think about me at all? How I was going to feel? What about our parents? Our family? Have you considered their feelings? Oh come on!" He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

I didn't know exactly what to say at this moment. I was utterly confused.

He thought I was going to kill myself.

"Hanan! Talk to me please. This silence is killing me. Do you know how much it hurts to wake up everyday and see you in pain? Do you know how many times I wished I could take it all away? You don't even say anything to me. I know you're hurting but I'm hurting too."

He already had tears in his eyes.

I held him.

"It was our baby. Not yours only. I feel so useless everyday when ever I remember how I couldn't protect you from him. An idiot broke into my house and tried to kill my wife and I couldn't do anything! I could feel my whole world crashing down when I came in and saw you lying down in a pool of blood. I didn't even want to imagine if it was you who got shot. What if you couldn't protect yourself? Do you think I'd ever forgive myself if anything had happened to you? I still can't forgive myself over you getting beaten up and loosing our baby and now you're trying to kill yourself!" The tears had already started flowing.

He triggered my lacrimal glands too and I had to give in. I had never seen him cry so hard before.

"Baby. I wasn't trying to kill myself."

He released me.

"You weren't going to? then what are you doing here? You were..."

"I was just clearing my head. I just needed to take some things off my chest."

"That's why I'm here. I'm your husband. You can always talk to me."

I held his hands as we walked around.

"I just feel like everything's my fault. Like Al's death."

"I told you to stop blaming yourself. Have you forgotten the verse 'kullu nafsin zaikatul maut' every soul shall taste death. It doesn't matter if you had given him the drugs or not. It was his time ne. You were with him as he took his last breath. Which means you were there for him till the end. You should be proud of yourself and not blaming yourself."

He turned around and held my face with his palms.

"It's not your fault Al died, Hanan. I need you to stop thinking about that please."

I nodded.

We continued walking.

"If only I had reported Amir the first time.."

Then I kept quiet. I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about what had happened between Amir and I. I didn't know how Ibrahim was going to take it. Amir was dead but still.