Jesy's Little Girls (Little Mix Adoption Story)

Chapter 40 - The Cemetery

Jesy's POV

I realised just the other day that in the seven months since my parents funeral, I haven't yet been to the cemetery to see their graves. The girls and I along with other friends and family were there to witness their burial so I had seen the area and had chosen the headstones but I hadn't mustered to courage to actually visit yet. 

I knew that some friends and distant family members had visited and I had asked them to place flowers for me and the girls and I so desperately wanted to go. I really did, I had told myself that I couldn't go because of the girls and working and I just didn't have time. But in reality, I could have made time. I had more than enough time, I think I was just scared. Visiting the graves would have made it seem just so real, I knew it was real but seeing their names and the dates on the stone would have made it too much. But it was about time now. I knew I had to visit and I wanted too. 

I knew it would be the right thing to do to take the girls as well, they had a right to see it and visit mummy and daddy. But I wanted to go first by myself, so I could see it for the first time without them there, I knew I would cry and when the girls came I wanted to at least have some chance to keep myself together for their sake. 

Me: "I'm going to go to the cemetery..." I blurted out to Leigh Anne one day. 

Leigh Anne: "Oh, okay! Are you going to take the girls?" 

Me: "No, I want them to come but I want to go first," 

Leigh Anne: "Do you want me to babysit?" she offered. 

Me: "Would you mind?" 

Leigh Anne: "No, of course not! When are you going to go?" 

Me: "I don't know yet..." I answered honestly, I knew I wanted to go soon before I changed my mind but I hadn't exactly planned anything yet. I wanted to go when it was quiet, but didn't really know when that would be and internet searching 'when are cemeteries quiet' seemed a little dark... 

Leigh Anne: "That's okay, just let me know when you want me and I'll be here," she said before the conversation changed. 

I spent the night thinking, I found the cemeteries website and their 'opening hours' and decided that I would visit on what I deemed the quietest time a random Wednesday lunchtime. So I instantaneously sent a quick message to Leigh Anne checking she could babysit forgetting that the time was one in the morning and getting a rather sarcastic response, although she could still babysit.

It was Saturday or the early hours of Sunday when I sent the message so I had a few days to gather my thoughts about Wednesday. I had initially thought that I would prefer to go with somebody, and considered asking Perrie or Jade, but later decided that it was best to go alone. I chose my outfit Wednesday morning meticulously, I had no idea why but it felt special, the girls even went to school with a particularly special packed lunch. I made sure I had gloves and warm boots on predicting it to be quite chilly. 

I felt almost in a dazed dream as I drove towards the cemetery, I hadn't been that side of London since the funeral so it felt weird as I relived the experience. I pulled into the carpark, buying two bunches of flowers from the roadside seller before wandering in past the church to find the graves. The church was lit up with a line of twinkling fairy lights and some of the graves had a few little Christmas decorations, it being the last week of November. I pulled my coat tighter around me, bracing the cold air as I walked. 

I had to walk past rows and rows before I could see the trees and little lake where I knew that they were. 

It was a super quiet area, a few other graves visible but no other people in sight. I knew I had chosen my timings well. Exactly as I remembered them seeing them once in the store when I bought them. I didn't quite know how to feel, I was emotional seeing them but it wasn't like I thought. There was no eery feel like I had heard about in movies, I hadn't seen any ghosts or anything supernatural, which I was glad about bringing the girls somewhere that was visibly creepy was just a recipe for meltdowns.