Unspoken Feelings

u n t i l w h e n ?

I was fine yesterday, I'm laughing with my friends and we took some photos like we're living a happy life. But tonight, I don't know why I turned into something who wants to die, I was as high as a mountain the other day, and now it feels like I'm buried under the black sand of sadness. Trying to reach something, like I'm crying and screaming for help but inside my mind, the words "no one can understand" were stuck. I'm so tired of this, seriously. When I'm all alone at night, these thoughts in my mind always kills me hard. And I don't know how to fight them anymore, they're so good in sketching scars at the back of my ribs, trying to tickle me with their knives but I can't feel anymore pain other than being empty. There's demons, and I don't know how they let themselves in inside me. They're pushing me down like they don't know it hurts, so much. They won't let me sleep at night so I stayed up late until they finally gave up. No one ever stayed just to talk to me and ask me how's my day, or how I've been doing, or what are the stuffs that bothers me. Do I still have someone? Who cares, even if they don't really do? I swear, I thought I'm okay. Like I won't feel this way anymore, I thought the happiness that I felt the other day, or month will lasts. I was wrong, shit. Another mistake! When will I be right? I feel so stupid I can't even write this one right. This cycle of my life's been part of it, I'm so tired of pretending that I'm strong and I can surpass this. It's so fucking hard, Guys. Will I be okay? I wanna be okay forever, tho. Yes, it's easy to say that "Hey, it's okay, you'll be fine, just wait" But, until when? There are some people who believes in me, and wanna thank them but sorry I'm not really in the mood, I don't feel like smiling 'coz my depression's crippling inside my mind and I think it's drowning. Good thing I don't know how to swim, so let me just die together with my suicidal thoughts. Please don't save me. This is what I want. To stop everything. Believe me, I'm tired. Let me rest.