Unspoken Feelings

i want it this way

i wanna die
but i want it this way;

i can't cut my own wrist
so please cut it for me
make sure that no blood stays in my body,
just put me in the bathtub full of water, then you can escape freely;

i don't know what medicine to drink
just so i could stop breathing
then burn my stomach with hunger and pain;

i just want to walk
in the middle of the road
then be hit by a thousands of car
until no bone to crack left in my body;

mostly, i imagine myself dying in different ways,
but none of it ever happens;

sometimes i wanted to be shot in the head by a gun,
but honestly how much do i need to a buy a gun and shot my own head, instead?

fuck!

i know i can't do it
so just help me kill myself instead;

i promise i'll left a note
saying that it's no one's fault;

that me being dead is okay
and i don't know if someone cares
but i do;

i do not,

just keep your emotions to yourself,
it's not your fault if i wanted it to end this way;

i'll left a message, i promise
but please forget me when i'm gone;

i don't wanna be remembered as the girl who's life was being wasted through a gun;

please don't cry,
it's okay to not attend in my funeral
please don't think of me
i will be okay, i promise
please don't blame yourself,
i got used to it,
that no one's around when i'm lonely every 3 a.m. in the morning;

and that i really can't sleep,
i'm dying inside and i'm broken;

please stop reading this,
it's nonsense.

October 21, 2018
— I REALLY WANNA DIE