see what you're finding // 6th spam

i need to be on a stage | he's afraid | they find comfort in front of bands

decisions, decisions...

well, i'm not gonna sleep again. i was actually considering it an hour ago, but i'm just too lazy to go to sleep.

YAY THE LAST OF THE REAL ONES STARTED PLAYING

^ignore that incredibly random intermission

it's my dad's birthday today... yep... and i'm lying here, reading smut and thinking about life at the same time.

betcha nobody understands the title of this chapter. lmao, i bet none of you understand more than half of the titles i write in my spam books.

you can try guessing though...

hm, i don't know. i just felt like writing on here, it's often very careless. calming, i think.

i do think too much. i mean, to the point when i'm thinking life stuff while reading freaking smut or whatever really.

do you understand that feeling of being too lazy to go to sleep? i don't know, it's just that falling asleep is often very exhausting for me.

hah, how awesomely fitting it is to have tyler joseph singing "i've been thinking too much" into my ears while i do the exact thing...

right, i don't know why i'm saying these things. sorry.

i know i haven't updated anything and i'm sorry about that too. i just don't have the time. seriously, i have more time off holidays. so, sadly, i'll probably start writing again when school starts which is 15th jan for me. but who knows, in the end, maybe i'll catch a day here and there. basically, no promises on anything writing related.

i really love writing songs. and, i really really really really want people to hear the lyrics. i need to have the lyrics heard. but i just don't want to post them anywhere, because of the... i don't know... the... the surprise effect. and i really don't want to have them stolen. i work hard on everything i write and having someone steal my work would be so freaking devastating.

i just wanna sing. with or without a bass in my hands.

have i mentioned that? i'm planning on buying a bass guitar (it's vv pretty and the price is great) and going to the school where my sister is learning the guitar. i've just always really been impressed by bass players, the instrument itself. it's gone from "ah, it'd be cool" to "oh, how i wish" to "i really want a bass" to the point where i really want it so so bad. but my parents don't really trust me, because they bought me a ukulele and i still can't play. (cue an excuse:) it'll be easier to learn with an actually teacher.

"colors"

i'm gonna try not to touch my scars tomorrow/today. it's really something that bothers me a lot. i don't want to touch them, i don't want to trace them with my fingertips, i don't want to look at them, i don't want to tug at my hair, i don't want to examine them. i want to calm down and i'm not gonna be able to do that if i don't just ignore them until they're healed. well, i am expecting some of them will stay as marks, but some will heal. i don't wanna touch them, i don't wanna look at them; this all triggers me to hurt myself and it puts me in such an excruciating position.

i get very... upset(?) when my stories make people upset or sad or scared or anything similar. like, i'm aware stuff like for example cannibalism are disturbing to many people and i was aware of that when i wrote the books, but i can't help it and i just feel bad when people comment how bad they're feeling due to my words or when they reach out to me saying "wow i really loved your book, but it gave me nightmares". and i get so sad to the point where i actually cried reading stuff like those a few times. i'm so so sorry if i every disturbed in any way with my words. and the people always reply to my apologies like "nononono it's okay man, rly". but it's not okay to me because i somehow negatively affected your feelings or thoughts and i hate myself because of that.

^silly, huh?

well, i'll get back to doing other stuff. reading and whatnot. i really enjoyed writing this chapter, it was just so chill yet emotional. i kinda needed a small let out.

all the boys and melanie are asleep... they're exhausted, i understand. they're still young and often stay up with me when i stay up. it's too much for them. they can barely stand on their feet after we spend the night awake...

7:05am