see what you're finding // 6th spam

for non-snapchatters

trigger warning

my story starts in the late sumemr of 2014. i woke up one morning and found a scar on me. i found myself extremely scared of this scar and for some reason my fearful reaction was opening it up and making it bigger. each morning i would wake up with a new scar and slowly i was becoming more frequent in conscious harming. it took over a year for me to realize that what i was doing was self-harm, both awake and in my sleep. in 2015, my whole body was filled with scars, blood was constantly on my fingers. because i was hurting myself wherever i was, not only in my own privacy. however, evenings were always the worst because i could see what i'm doing in the bathroom mirror and i'd make greater damage. my parents were very angered by me making scars on my body wherever we went and having people actually see me hurt myself. because it was literally any time and any place, every single day. it was a time when my relationship with my parents got bad. they were constantly yelling at me to stop. but they didn't understand how addicted i've become. i couldn't breathe if i wasn't bleeding. i was in more pain if i wasn't hurting myself. i had to do it and i did it. i cried many nights, because i felt like my parents hated me even though they always just wanted the best for me. my sister was always by my side and very helpful, but i'm a little pain in the ass and i'd often collide her fine. my self-harming issues were becoming issues of our family and i just couldn't stop. in 2016, my parents got even more angry with my self-harming habits. they became more strict and the condition for anything i wanted was me not self-harming in public. again, i cried instead of acting. because even attempting to stop seemed like such a horrifying thing. i soon started listening to twenty one pilots and they kept on making my condition worse. but, on january 2nd 2017, i met my best friend. i met lucy through wattpad. we talked a little on that day, but three days later we spend hours talking. and onwards, i'd be up all night just talking to my best friend. she was aware of what i was doing from the first day (i somehow always trusted her with everything) and she was always telling me how i can stop. i never believed her though. i thought i was too screwed and that there was no help for me. but she believed in me from the first day. and, with her constant encouragement, i managed to live a day without self-harm. march 10th 2017 was the first day since august 2014 that i've made no scars. i was so happy and i wanted to share the news with everybody and i posted it in the seventeenth chapter of my book "daddy" on wattpad. i later on regretted that, because my aunt found my wattpad and read the book. she always talks shit about me into my face and her reaction to anything she found on wattpad was very negative. let's just say that the day she told me she read most of my wattpad stuff was one of the worst days of my life; but i digress. the next clean dates started appearing in august that year and this time i was starting try harder. when i'd tell my parents that i'm trying hard, they didn't believe me and they'd actually insult me telling me how i'm too weak to stop at this point. i started high school that september and it was stressful as fuck. however, i set up little things to keep me emotionally safe. to this day, every time before i enter my school, i listen to fall out boy's "champion" and each night before i fall asleep i listen to twenty one pilots' "truce" and fall out boy's "lullabye". they give me hope and strength. and, eventually, the numbers of my clean dates started getting bigger, but i still had some gaps between days. i was always posting my clean dates in my spam books on wattpad and the readers of those were very supportive. the most supportive of them was always bella, who is to this day my amazing friend and she continues to help me when i'm feeling low. today, i am one hundred days clean of self-harm. december 13th 2017 was the last day i'd self-harmed. i want to thank my sister for being so much support and the best sibling ever when i needed someone to hold and talk to; i'm sorry for anything bad that my issues made you go through . thank you to my dear sara for listening to me and making me so optimistic. thank you to bella for making me smile and making me feel better about myself. thank you to fall out boy and twenty one pilots for making me believe in myself and in tomorrow. and thank you so much to my lucy, for being my biggest inspiration. now, my parents and i are best friends again and they're so proud of me. from every side, i just have people telling how proud they are. i am too. i worked hard for the one hundred and i'm gonna continue working.