see what you're finding // 6th spam

i read sad stuff so i get reminded of sad stuff i wanted to write

y'know what really disturbs me?

whenever gerard (or the rest of them, really) would talk about themselves as a band, they'd just say "the band"

and i mean, it's not like they're the only people saying it like that. there's of course fall out boy and green day and pretty much all bands.

but when they'd say it, it was different.

every time i watch their interviews and hear them use "the band" in sentences, chills run down my spine.

sounds pretty damn absurd, huh?

and i'm not sure if i can even explain it...

it's like my chemical romance is something more than just a band. to them. something like... like something holy. something that the four of them know of and they fear it and they obey it. something that orders them around, something they turn to. like they're slaves to this one thing.

it always sounds like that to me. and it always scares me.

i'm just opening an interview, happy because i love watching them and hearing their voices. but every interview is obviously about music and they have to use "the band" and i just literally look away from the phone each time and i need a moment because that really disturbs me. like listening to a slave- no, like a person with the stockholm syndrome. like - fuck, i don't know how to explain this - like a person going through so much pain and then talking about the person who's giving them pain like it's their lover.

but different than that.

because i don't think "the band" was hurting them. i think it's helped them loads. with addictions and bad decisions and it's brought them families in a way and it's just generally made them happy (or so it seems, it's not like i could know just from observing).

i just feel like it was something that ordered them around, i guess that's the best way of describing what i mean.

and i think that "the band" expression got the worst ever since they were in that haunted mansion, making the black parade. it was there already before the mansion, but not as strong.

a few months back, i was really obsessed with everything black parade (these obsessions come and go, but i'm generally having them all at the same time). i just watched the music videos a lot and the behind the scenes and the live performances. note that i'm talking about the time gee had white hair, not anything after that. then, i decided to watch a shit ton of interviews. but after the first one i had to stop. i opened a random interview and from the first three sentences that came out of gerard's mouth, i was frowning. i was getting like a really anxious feeling, it was really hurting more and more with each word exiting his mouth. then the others talked and i felt the same, just much less. but gee's the lead singer, of course he talks the most. and i listened to him and it - the feeling in my chest - was just getting worse. and you might remember how i said many times i have strange blood pressure. at that moment, i could just feel my heart racing. it was similar to the time i had a panic attack, only this was before it and it was much less. but this was horrifying. i was lying in my room in the dark and i felt like the darkness was moving and echoing gerard's words silently and i was getting so scared of him. i was so scared of gerard. and inside i was just screaming "make it stop! make it stop!". when i couldn't take it anymore and i was panting and i was so fucking scared, i paused the video and dropped my phone beside me on my bed. i took my earphones out and just stared at the darkness. i was no longer moving. not until i started thinking about what had happened though. as soon as i started rewinding the whole happening in my head, it was starting to hurt more. much, much less, but i felt it.

i don't know, i just felt like sharing this.

i really love the black parade as a record and i love gerard and i love my chemical romance. but i can't, i just can't watch those interviews. they scare me so fucking much.

i don't think y'all will understand, but yeah.