see what you're finding // 6th spam

more than i bargained for? i only bargained to save rock and roll.

if you have me in snapchat, you probably saw the snap saying "i swore"

yep, i broke my promise to god

here's the full story with some things left out

i told you about something happening which has upset me and caused me to put a book of mine on hold and it's really made me cry a lot. i'm not gonna say what it actually is, but it's suicide related. today, my sister and i went to see our aunt. my sister mentioned the happening and our aunt started giving her opinion about the happening; she said many insults toward suicidal people. i was very very uncomfortable with the topic and i told her that, remembering how she said if any of us expresses discomfort with a topic we'll stop talking about it. she wasn't at all accepting of my request to stop talking about it. i tried standing for myself a little, but she wouldn't stop talking about suicide and self-harm and all of that. i stayed silent and just listened; i tried holding back tears but one escaped my eye. she kept on trying to force me into giving my opinion and thoughts on the topic, asking me if i've ever felt suicidal. i refused to answer any of her questions and repeated many times how uncomfortable the topic makes me feel. she said it cannot make me uncomfortable. soon enough (thankfully) we left her apartment. when we came home, we both cried a lot in our mother's arms. i asked my mother if i could climb up to my room and sing for a while.

i shut the lights off and pulled the blinds down. i turned the speaker onto the max volume and connected it to my phone with bluetooth - the usual. then, i played a song and i sang along into my microphone.

"i need more dreams, and less life. i need that dark, in a little more light. i cried tears you'll never see, so fuck you, you can go cry me an ocean and leave me be"

and i cried so much, i was singing horribly because i was crying so fucking much.

i later on moved onto mcr songs that i can scream and leathermouth songs.

i've been feeling weird ever since "save rock and roll". it's not normal to me. and i feel bad. i had promised to myself and to god that i won't ever do it, but here i am. and it feels wrong, maybe i just have to get used to it.

i don't know if it feels more wrong because i've done it or because of who i've done it.

don't think i did it just because of what she's said today. no, there is a lot of history.

tonight (technically last night because it's past 6am the next day rn), i told my mother that i've swore. and her reaction was unbelievable. she said "i completely understand, i'm not judging you at all". my parents have always raised me around swear words (my dad curses a lot) but they always told me not to do it and when i was a little kid, i was literally scared of those words and they i grew up to be a gerard-way-loving horny teenager and cusses became so hot to me; weird how all things i find hot are out of reach. well, not all, but alright.

that's it now. i don't know how to feel. kinda relieved.

destroya started playing and i feel happy rn so hehe

i love y'all

xx