see what you're finding // 6th spam

repressing after this | everybody wants to text me lately?

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x december 15th 2017 <3

what a horrible day y'all, what a freaking horrible day

i woke up to the freaking top of my worries, because of everything school had waiting for me today. my whole morning was just panicking while procrastinating and then reading a few lessons  ut mainly just panicking.

first period; latin. it was pretty damn fine. my teacher is awesome and i don't think latin could ever be not good.

second period; geography. the teacher orally examined me and i got a b and that's fine even though i know i could've reached an a. my anxious friend though, had a problem answering the last question so our dumb teacher gave her a c instead of a well-deserved b. my friend and i retrieved to our desk. she started crying per usual and i gave her a tissue per usual. but when i wanted to tell her to calm down, she just pushed me away. i don't know why, but at that moment i just felt so useless and dumb, i just rested my head onto my hands which lied atop the table and i whispered the saddest freaking mcr lyrics i could possibly think of. and i was crying a lot, a little pool of tears gathered up on my desk right below my face and i felt so much pain because i was putting myself through it.

then, when the class ended, i didn't have enough time to actually listen to music before english so i waited for the break between two english periods and that break is long so i got to listen to a lot of songs.

i played "the world is ugly" "welcome to the black parade" "the light behind your eyes" "i'm not okay" "the kids aren't alright" and all that mainly made me cry because mcr is gone. and i know that's so so dumb, but it just keeps on effecting me and i don't know why.

then, at one point at the near end of the break, i started realizing that everything that makes me happy and everything i love is disappearing. mcr is gone, 1d's on a hiatus, tøp is too, my everything and i haven't been talking because we cannot, my good grades are just as gone as my elementary school days are- there's just literally so many things and people that are leaving or have left me.

and with those thoughts, i started to actually panic. i couldn't breathe, i was staring at everything and nothing with wide eyes, every inch of my body was shaking and i was sobbing uncontrollably. i was crying actual multiple waterfalls and there was now a large pool of tears on my desk.

my friend beside me didn't even glance at me, but then, a miracle happened.

there's a tall and beautiful girl in my class who i will not name. she took out my earphones and held my hands, crouching opposite of me. she said "follow me" and breathed in and out, slowly. i think that only reason why i actually listened to her was because i was so shocked that somebody actually didn't just bypass me as always. and she said things like "calm down, everything's okay, if you ever need anything or anyone you can always walk over to me or text me, no one has to know, just breathe and calm down, everything is okay" and i was so shocked because that is honestly one of the most beautiful things anyone's ever done for me. she asked me why i was crying and what was wrong. i didn't know what to say. how do i tell anyone that i'm crying because a band broke up before i ever knew about its existence.  i just stuttered out "everything is disappearing" and she was pretty shocked by those words, but remained calm, told me to calm down again and wished me good luck on the english exam we were just about to have. she gestured for me to stand up and i did; she hugged me tightly and promised everything was going to be okay. it was such a warm hug and a little funny because i'm very short and she's very tall. afterwards, i was just filled with so much happiness and wrote my english exam perfectly, not shaking at all and just twitching here and there but that's normal for me.

i got a d in biology and i knew i was gonna get that, because i hate biology and just ugh.

we had a maths test and i knew everything but i didn't write it so i basically did nothing.

then i had a maths correction test and you have to have everything written correctly if you want a c, but i didn't even touch a certain task because i didn't understand it so i think i'll get a d.

shooting practice was not good at all but not that bad. i haven't been the best at shooting lately because i've been going to choir and i don't have time for shooting practices. but i'll stop going to the choir in january and hopefully i'll get back on track with shooting.

i'm very glad i managed to update "coffee and marshmallows" twice today since i couldn't yesterday. i really love that fic, do you? i think it'll be done on like the 18th? i'll see.

if any of you are privately messaging any of my frens, i'm sorry if you couldn't reach them today. it was because i wasn't feeling good (as you can conclude), so they stuck more to just crying to make sure i don't do something i'll regret.

i've been on the verge of starting to swear for a while now, and i really want to but i really don't want to do it. i know i'll despise myself if i did it, but i just really want to do it.

anyways, i have a shooting competition tomorrow (technically today) and i'm super worried because i feel like i'll do terrible.

still,

i love y'all

xx