4 am knows all my secrets
Journal
Date: Almost my birthday
Reaons #11 - laughter
Things continue in quite the same way between Keith and Lance. Their days are spent bickering and attempting to one up each other but the nights become something of a quiet ritual. Even as Keith finds it odd for the usually boisterous man to be so calm when the castle is dark, he cannot help but love the time they spend together.
The two of them don’t make it further than sitting together, sometimes holding hands as they talk about the day or memories from their time on Earth. Several nights, Lance has held his head high, promising they will never give up on looking for Shiro. He listens to Keith’s worries and longs for a way to make things better.
Other nights, they sit together, playing silly childhood games - many of which Lance had to teach his fellow paladin - to help pass the time until they can sleep. Some nights, they even decide to train together, watching as the other betters them self little by little each night. Together, they find a strange sense of balance. Where one is knowledgeable, the other can learn. Where one is confident, the other can grow.
Somehow, the rest of the team either hasn’t noticed - or simply has decided not to mention - the space between Keith and Lance slowly shrinking. The space mice have noticed, so Allura must know something but seems to be keeping quiet. Keith found it funny that Lance treated the mice much like the rest of them. He laughed when Lance had greeted them in names of his own - as he never really knew their real names - then let them crawl all over him as they chirped in their little mouse language. Lance responding to them as if he knew what they were saying actually caused Keith to laugh a couple of times.
But on this night, Keith is exceptionally quiet as they sit together. Lance feels the silence is fragile so he simply sits beside Keith and listens to the steady breathing. He waits, not really knowing what to expect once the dam holding Keith’s thoughts back breaks. At last, Keith takes a deep breath.
“Do you get scared?” Keith asks at last.
“Are you kidding?” Lance sits up at such a question but doesn’t let go of Keith’s hand. When he meets Keith’s gaze, the only response is a half shrug and a shake of his head. “All the time, dude!”
“Why?” Keith asks quietly.
“Why do I get scared?” Lance laughs then scratches the back of his head. “Where do I even start? I mean...Every day we don’t know whether we will be attacked. Every day we could find out that Earth has been destroyed. Ever-”
“But what scares you. Not all of us. Those are all of our fears.” Keith looks up at Lance and waits to hear the response.
“I - I guess if I had to say what scared me?” Lance looks down and sighs. “Well, there’s really only two things. But,” He bites his lower lip and smiles lopsidedly. “I’m not sure I’m ready to tell you.”
“I’ll tell you mine.” Keith looks away from Lance. “I’m afraid of being abandoned again.” He says before Lance has time to prepare himself for the weight of such a statement. Lance watches as Keith turns back to him and gives him a weak smile. “Its happened so many times I should be used to it but I-”
Lance interrupts Keith’s thoughts with a fierce hug. He holds him tight, eyes shut and face red. He can feel Keith’s hands hovering over his back, as if afraid to return such a gesture. Finally, Keith returns the hug, but its gentle, Before this moment, Lance had never realized how little contact Keith made with the others. His hugs were often uncertain and usually awkward. From a life of loneliness. Shaking his head to rid the thoughts away, Lance swallows hard.
“You’ve got us all, buddy. I promise we won’t abandon you.” He doesn’t pull away as he speaks. “My fear is failing at this.” Lance’s voice is uneven when he speaks. “Failing as a paladin, failing to protect my family, failing you guys. I’m so afraid of that.”
The two stay in a hug for a while before Keith pulls away and smiles. “Just keep being you, Lance, and you won’t fail.” He says positively. Lance nods in response then sits back on his bed and sighs.
“So…” Lance starts after his heart has calmed down. He watches as Keith leans back against the wall beside him. Keith tilts his head, waiting to hear whatever question Lance was going to ask. “What...are we?”
“Paladins?” Keith responds with a look of confusion to which Lance groans.
“No. I mean.” Lance turns and faces Keith. “What are we. Me and you. Like this. What is this?”
“Oh.” Keith looks up to the ceiling. “I mean. I don’t know?” He responds honestly. “I’ve just been doing what feels right. It’s not like I have a ton of experience with any of this.”
Lance fidgets nervously then just nods. “Then, maybe we just keep doing this.” He isn’t sure the best way to ask Keith if he wants to be official with him. Heck, he’s not even sure Keith realizes how much they are acting like a couple nowadays. But, this feels nice and if this can continue, Lance won’t complain.
“Were you planning on stopping for some reason?”
“No. Just…” Lance trails off and just shakes his head. “No.”
The night grows older, even though the stars outside look the same. As it does, Keith falls asleep with his arms across his chest, sitting against the wall. Lance has grown accustomed to Keith’s unusual sleeping positions so he carefully scoots into bed and covers up. At least he wasn’t sleeping alone anymore.
Reason #11 1/2 - Honesty
Story belongs to Elireide @ A03
