Smiling has always been easier than explaining why you are sad.
I was late for dinner again.
How am I supposed to keep track of the time when it’s always the same outside? It’s always a black starry sky out there. Everyone else doesn’t seem to struggle with it as much as I do, but back home I always woke up with the sun. I didn’t use an alarm clock. It was simpler that way. How the heck does everyone else keep track of the time so easy this way. I always just watched the sun and knew what time it was.
Now there is no sun.
So it shouldn’t be a punishable offense for being late. It’s not like its all that exciting to have the same meal for the fifteenth time this week. So why exactly do we need to hurry and stick to schedule anyway? But, I should be thankful? I guess? Because at least when they yell it means they notice I’m gone.
I sometimes wonder if they would miss me if I left. Like, really just disappeared. It’s not like I really do that much anyway. I mean, I can fire a gun. Nothing the rest of them couldn’t learn how to do if they needed to. They might miss having a scapegoat for things, but other than that...I’m not really convinced they would even realize I was gone. Or care.
But, I can’t let them see that side of me.
I’m silly Lance! I’m laughing, lovable Lance! I’m idiot Lance who can easily be blamed for whatever happens. I’m carefree, flirtatious Lance.
I’m not a homesick Lance who just wants to see his mom again or tuck in his little sister or wrestle with his cousin. I’m not Lance who wonders what my family thinks happened to me. I’m not Lance that worries about my family already having a grave for me, certain I’m lost forever. And who knows, maybe I am. And I’m certainly not the Lance who spends half of his nights listening to music while trying to make sure I remember everything about Earth.
That Lance is secret.
I don’t want to forget anyone back home. Sometimes I list them all off in my head. Name them one by one. Mama, papa, Allita, Fernán, Teb, Retha, and Yoselin. Noodle, Whiskers, and whatever Fernán ended up naming his duckling. I already forgot and we haven’t even been gone that long.
I can’t forget any more of them. I won’t. If I forget them, then home seems that much further away.
Happy Lance likes aliens. Happy Lance thinks all of this is super cool. Happy Lance likes to flirt. The team needs happy Lance. The team doesn’t need someone else with problems. We have enough of those already.
Reason #7 - Fernán’s duckling.
