"Friends" 2 || G.D. ||

18: Understand

Lynn's P.O.V. 

After Grayson left, I don't hear anything but I know that Ethan and Monica are there. At least, I think that Monica is still there. I curl myself up into a ball of hurt and depression and wait for another word to be said. 

"I'm sorry that you are upset about all of this," I hear Ethan say minutes later. 

"It doesn't seem like you are all that sorry, Ethan," Monica says. 

"Why would I have anything going on with Lynn when I love you to death?" he asks.

"I don't understand that either, Ethan. You tell me," she says.

"The answer is I wouldn't. Lynn is married to my twin brother. Not only could I not be able to do that to Lynn, I wouldn't be able to do that to Grayson. I am just trying to be there for Lynn," Ethan says. 

"Why does she need you," Monica asks.

"Because Grayson is being an ass!" he exclaims, not yelling but seeming more and more angry. 

"What could possibly be wrong that she needs to go to you about it instead of her husband," she asks.

"You go talk to her. She needs you to talk to. You haven't been here for her or me or Grayson. You left because you got mad at the fact that I fucked up and I admitted it to you. I realized I did wrong. When will you and Grayson understand that?!" he says.  

"You need to calm down," she says.

"I need to calm down?! I admitted I did wrong to you and to Grayson, yet you both still throw my faults at me! All I am trying to do is be there for Lynn since she is going through a really tough time right now and now you both want to blow that way out of proportion," Ethan roars.

"Stop yelling," Monica says strongly. 

"Stop accusing me of screwing my married best friend then. Stop accusing me of cheating on you because that's something I would never fucking do. Ever," he breathes. 

"I'm going to be coming back here. I just needed a couple days away. I am going to lay down," Monica says. I hear her clicks fade down the hall and then hear Ethan sigh.

I focus on myself for a tiny second to realize that my face is hot and wet. I started crying somewhere in all of that. I don't know what to do. I can understand Grayson's mood swings. Those are because of me. Those are my fault. I can't be what he wants me to be. I can't get pregnant. I am a bad wife. 

But Monica I don't understand. I get that they both suspect that Ethan and I are up to something behind their back. It just surprises me that they both think that. It hurts more than anything. 

I stand up and wipe my face off. I am going back over to my apartment. All of this is causing so much. My heart feels so damn heavy but yet feels so weird. 

I know this feeling as it starts to sink it. Depression. My depression is sliding its way back through the cracks that I thought I sealed tightly. 

I force myself to make my way to the door but Ethan stops me. 

"You going back to your place?" he asks.

I nod my head not looking at him.

"You hear all that?" he asks.

I nod my head again, still not looking at him.

"How much?" Ethan asks.

I shrug my shoulders. 

"Come here," he says opening his arms.

I shake my head, "They will think things. They will think I'm cheating. Monica will hate me and Grayson will hate me even more than he does for not being able to have children. 

"Now they are making you scared of me. Get your ass over here and let me hug you," Ethan says.

I stand still.

"Fine, I'll come over there," he says. He walks the few feet and then hugs me. 

And he just hugs me for a long minute. I feel the wonderful heat of the embrace as he loves me and our friendship. I wonder what it would have been like if Ethan was the one that had kissed me that day. Would Ethan and I be married now instead of me and Grayson? 

Would I be happier?

I mentally try to shake my head to get the idea out of there. I don't want to think that. I love Grayson with everything I have and I love Ethan too, just not the same way. 

He finally lets me go and says, "I love you. They are just being dramatic. Everything will blow over eventually." 

I nod my head at his words, "Love you too, E." I walk out of Ethan's place and slowly into mine. I can hear Grayson's snoring close by and see that he is on the couch. I want to be next to him, even if he doesn't want to be next to me. 

I walk over to him and lay on the ground next to him. He makes a small noise and then continues snoring. I love him so much. I just wish he would talk to me about us. I know he probably hates me now. I can't have his children. I never will.

A hot tear escapes my eye again and I quickly wipe it away. I grab his hand that is hanging over the couch and hold it lightly like nothing is wrong. Like I am not sleeping next to him on the floor. Like he doesn't hate me. Like we are still on our honeymoon and he told me that I was more than just one positive word and more beautiful than the stars before he loved me in the best way yet. 

Thinking back to that night makes me so happy but reality hits and I understand now that it is going to be hard to get to that again. I just wish that I wasn't so fucked up. I start to cry again but I don't want to. 

I cry so much that I end up falling asleep where I dream I am not almost sterile and I am pregnant and Grayson kisses my stomach and whispers, "She is going to be beautiful, just like her mother,"

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