"Friends" 2 || G.D. ||

21: Panic

Lynn's P.O.V. 

I wake up with tears on my face and imaginary words in my head. I feel sick to my stomach still and I don't want to move but I know I have to go back home. I grab my phone and look at the time, seeing that I only slept for 3 hours. 

I drag myself out of the hotel bed and slide my shoes on. I grab my phone and my purse. I feel disgusting. I desperately need some toothpaste but I didn't grab any. I grab the mint gum I bought at the gas station yesterday and put two pieces in my mouth.

I grab the hotel key and walk out of the room, closing the door behind me. I drop the key off at the front desk and head to my car. 

I have zero clue where I am. I feel a tingle in the back of my throat so I cough into my arm. I turn the GPS on and it tells me that I am 47 minutes away from my apartment. I sigh and start the car heading home. 

I think over the dream I continue to have even though it will never come true. I wish with everything that I have that it will come true but I know it won't. It sucks so fucking much. 

"She is going to be beautiful. Just like her mother"

A tear slips down my cheek. I keep it there.

"She is going to be beautiful. Just like her mother"

I think about when we weren't fighting and cry harder. 

"She is going to be beautiful. Just like her mother"

What is wrong with me?

"She is going to be beautiful. Just like her mother"

"IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!" I scream to no one. I pull the car over to the side of the road and set my head on the steering wheel. I pound and pound my forehead on it crying and crying, making the fading bruise on my forehead worse.

I feel my stomach turn and twist. I open my door and lean out of it just in time for me to puke out of the car. My gum gets lost in the food that didn't stay down. More tears run down my face. 

I lift my head up and grab the napkin that I set in the counsel for these types of accidents. If only there was a big enough napkin to wipe away me. I am the biggest accident of them all.

I wipe my mouth off and blow my nose. I put two more pieces of gum in my mouth. I wipe the tears away from my face and put the car in Drive. 

I head home refusing to think about anything. I don't want to think about how much of a fuck up I am. I don't want to think about how much Grayson hates me. I don't want to think about how I lost my only girl friend. I don't want to think about how I can't talk to Ethan. I don't want to think about how my life is slowly falling apart. I refuse to think about any of that. 

Instead, I drive. I drive home to my shitty apartment that Grayson is probably sleeping in, not caring where I am. I drive home to my shitty husband that refuses to talk to me. I drive home to my shitty life that no matter how hard I try, I can't fix. 

It's always like this, isn't it? It would be so easy to go to the store and buy some sleeping pills and take the whole damn bottle. It would be so much better. It would make everyone else pleased, wouldn't it? I don't know. I don't know. I don't fucking know!

Stop thinking, Lynn. You are making it worse. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. Stop. Fucking. Thinking!

Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. 

If you don't calm down, you are going to have a panic attack. 

Too late.

Stope fucking thinking, Lynn. You are making it worse!

I make everything worse.

Lynn! STOP IT! Focus on breathing. Breathe. Just Breath. Stop thinking. Breath. Stop thinking. Breathe. Stop thinking. Breathe.

Just breathe. 

I come to a stop in my parking spot at my apartment.

Breathe.

I turn the car off and get out, setting the keys in my purse.

Breathe.

I wipe the tears off of my face. 

Breathe.

I make my way up to the apartment. What if-

Stop thinking. Just Breathe. 

I walk up to my door and take my keys back out.

Breathe.

I unlock the door and open it. I set the keys back in my purse. 

Remember to Breathe.

I set my purse down and walk into the living room, where I can feel my heart stop. 

Don't look. Don't think about it. Just Breathe.

I stare at my shirtless husband asleep on the couch, laying on his back. Monica is sleeping on top of him. His stomach touches the thin fabric of her shirt. If her shirt wasn't there, their stomachs would be touching.

Don't think about it. Just breathe.

His arms are wrapped around her. I tear slips from my eye. I haven't felt my heart start beating again. I am so numb.

Breathe, Lynn. Don't think about it. Breathe, don't look. Don't feel anything. Just Breathe. 

I walk past him. Them. I walk past them. A rainstorm is flooding my face as I walk into my room. Our. As I walk into our room. 

Breathe. You are going to have a panic attack. Breathe. Don't think about--

"FUCK OFF!" I scream. I can't tell if I said it outloud or in my head. 

My legs are completely numb and I can't hold myself up. I slowly fall to the ground as I lay on my back. My arms are tingling and I can't seem to catch my breath.

I can't feel my legs or my arms. I can only feel my heart beating. I don't know when it started beating again. I can hear my heart beat fast. I can't catch my breath.

I am going to explode. I am going to die. I swear it. I can't catch my breath. My eyes blur and then focus. Blur then focus. I can't breath. My heart is beating too fast. 

I am going to die. I am going to die. I am going to die. 

I wish I would die.

I wish I would just fucking die.

I am a fuck up. I am a terrible wife. A terrible friend. I am a terrible daughter. A terrible sister. I am a terrible everything. 

I am a terrible wife. I can't give my husband children. 

I am a terrible friend. They think I am sleeping with Ethan.

I am a terrible daughter. I wasn't there when my mother died.

I am a terrible sister. I never got to watch Chase grow up.

I. Can't. Fucking. Breathe.

I am literally going to die.

That would be nice.

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EOCP