Falling Up

a love letter that i will never send

To the person that i used to know,

Are you in there any more? Do you exist inside that hollow shell of a person, or is that simply who you have become?

When i stand in the room with you, your laugh does not sound the same. So, my question is, who has changed? Have i become the varible in our equation who gets manipulated until i am unrecognizable, or have you mixed yourself with other paints until you've dulled your vibrancy? Who is the one that is no longer themselves, because its hard for me to deny my love, but its seemingly getting easier every time you refuse to meet my eyes when he is around, or refuse to even speak to me for fear of hurting him. You have cast me aside like a disobedient dog and i refuse to come limping back after being kicked away.

I have been told to do the same to you, that you have done to me, cast you aside, but a part of me does not want to abandon you. I remember you in your moments of weaknesses and feel as if i can never leave you like that. But i am not afraid to say that if you continue as you are, i will be forced out of your life and there will be no coming back.

Ive put myself through hell because i loved you, but my body cannot withstand anymore.

But this is a love letter, not one of hate, so i want to tell you about something.

You were small. Not in a physical sense, but more of a mental.

You were tiny and alone, almost like an ant who wandered too far and held too much pride to ask for help, but i was not one to pass up on someone. I was not someone who left hurting people hurting.

At times, it felt as if you were an ant in my palm and i could crush you if i was too careless. So i treated you gently, as if you would blow away if i talked too loud. I never yelled, i never was mean, and i never let my words become weapons to use against you.

I was afraid to hurt you.

But other days the roles were so very reversed and i became the ant in your palm. But you didnt look at me with disgust, you looked at me like a child who watched too many movies about bugs being alive, who had tiny lives just like you. So you held me in a gentle embrace and cared for me.

But it seemed that your gentle nature wouldnt last because you crushed me so often towards the end. You looked at your palm and dusted me off and i fell to a demise.

And i still managed to love you. I guess it wasnt true, because of everything that happened, but you were the only person i had ever learned to love, and i dont think you care anymore.

So ill sit here and miss those mornings where you would wake me up with breakfast and promises of a fun day, hoping that person exists somewhere inside of you because even if i never get to see them again, someone else deserves to.

Sincerely,
Your heartbroken ex.