Falling Up

a list of things i should've told you, but never did

Before we ended it, we were under the assumption that we knew everything about each other, but i can assure you that i was dishonest many nights.

I told you that when i feel overwhelmed and unsteady, the worst i had ever done was scratch my neck and thighs until i felt something, or pulled my hair until clumps fell out. But there were nights when i would hold my head under streams of water and wonder how long i would have to breathe the heavy liquid until i would leave this place. There were nights when pillbottles fell into my grasp and i help them for a little too long, or when more than enough fell into my palm and i hesitated when putting the extras back to the bottle. There were nights when sharp things became friends and i held something so close to my skin and prayed that some force would do it for me, but the memory of your terrified voice filling a bathroom stall because yours broke open and people may find out, always pulled me gently back into reality.

After you said certain things in anger, i never acted the same around you. I was afraid of being clingy and needy, so i pretended that i wasnt. I changed my shape to match the puzzle piece that you were looking for, but the edges just didnt line up. I never was honest with what was wrong with me after that because i was terrified of someone calling me obsessed or too expectant. So i closed up in a little shell and pretended that my world was fine and i was safe. But it wasnt, and i wasnt.

Through everything, i still loved you, but it was never the same. The exact same love as before never returned. It always felt just a little off because i believed that i mightve figured out why we would never work. I was too trusting in the beginning and not enough in the end, and i was sure that you believed pain was a side effect of love, and when that pain did not accompany you into the night, you caused it. When i didnt serve you pain as a side dish of passion, you took it upon yourself to become the main chef.

Every time i laid in bed with you, i truly did feel safe because you never allowed my mind to wander too far from where we were. You always drew me in slowly, and embraced my shaking frame. But i believe your body knew long before mine that we were not meant to lie together. The last night where you pulled me to you in your sleep was almost an unwilling goodbye from the both of our bodies.

Lastly, i always told you about something that i read. Something about how we are destined to have many great lovers, many true loves, but the purpose was to learn a lesson from each and every one. I hope my lessons was a good one. I hope i can be a chapter in your story book rather than a footnote. I hope that i am a tale that you recount to your children, a bittersweet one.

Sincerely,
Someone that truly loved you.