Please Understand Why

Done

Dear Chance,

            I cried again. Only because I saw your name on my phone. I saw your name and the tears started and didn't stop. But how? I thought I was okay. You direct messaged me through Instagram. Saying you just got your phone back and were looking at my art page and saw three drawing that stuck out to you. Then you apologize again and again. Saying I know this isn't going to change the way you feel and all that jazz. And, boy that's when the tears really started flowing. I almost didn't say anything back but I was curious which ones stuck out to you and I knew some that would have sparked interest on your end. You chose one that was just cursive saying 'will you let me love you, again?' then there was a charcoal cover page where I used an eraser to create the white letter that read, "you promise and I believe, you lied and I forgave you." Then the final one was a pen and ink one saying "you're looking at her and I'm looking at you". I lied and said sorry to say but they're not directed towards you or anyone for that matter. And I don't have those same feelings. You told me you were sorry you broke me and I told you, you did break me. You said you built me up and brought me to a new age of prosperity then cut me down at my ankles and it's all your fault. That you're sorry and you don't want forgiveness. At this point I wasn't crying anymore just done with the bullshit. I told you to call me if you want to continue the conversation. You were like I can't, I'm sorry. I was just replied with I don't understand why you're so upset. I'm not. We need to sit down face to face and talk because we're missing key points here. Because this is an unending cycle of bullshit. Honestly, I can't continue to do this back and forth. I don't want to be in the middle. It seems drama follows you like a pissed off demon and I don't want any part of that, but you ended this because we were "stressful" "toxic" and other reasons I forgot. I didn't end this I didn't chose this. YOU chose this and I agreed because I wanted you happy. But you're crying now. Then you repeated "I'm sorry" like a broken record and said this is your fault again. We went on if you saying "sorry" and how you feel so bad and then me reminding you that its been four months and everything is fine on my end I'm not upset about a thing. So, I asked if you were happy in your relationship. A small part of me hoped you say no but you said "yeah...why?..." I told you shouldn't feel bad then. You went out and seek happiness I wouldn't feel bad about that. And that it's so fucking amazing and beautiful and rare. So that just another reason to not feel bad. So, you came back with But I left you single. I told you that I'm completely good being single that I was having fun. You said that good then we said goodnight and that was the end of it. But why? With the sorry and I feel so bad. I can't. I took time to heal from it and clearing you didn't because you threw yourself back into a relationship. Will this happen every time you start remising and feeling bad about us? Because if so I don't want to pick you up every time this happens. I'm tired of it, Chance. I know you have issues as well but god. You have a girlfriend wouldn't make more sense to talk to her about your feelings instead of me. I hate this like when we are joking around and it makes me think we could be something again but then we have conversations like this and it just bothers my soul. Like I'm here to help you through anything but this is one thing I have to pull back on. And you don't want to sit down somewhere with me and talk things out and I swear as hell am not walking up to you and Rachel and saying "we need to talk". But god this is harmful and I know you're under a lot of stress and you don't feel the happiest but like I know your failing classes. It's like babe why are you letting all of this slide, you didn't used to do this. But, I found myself while trying to help you having to reread what I'm about to send just so I don't add in "babe", "sweetheart", or "love". It's sad but now a lot of my friends who saw me crying and hurt over you, are yelling and having talks with me about how I wouldn't be texting you. Of course, there is a couple of friends who think that we will get back to together and be a happy and cute once you figure out your shit. But it's whatever.

Done,

Unknown