Please Understand Why

Forever Exposed

I remember when I hated my body. I wanted to be skinny like the girls around me, I wanted to pretty like them. So, i told my uncle this. He was/ is my father figure. I always looked up to him, he thought me how I was supposed to be treated by a guy. He was the first person other than my mother that I was gay. When I told him, I wanted to be skinny and not fat. He told me

"But being curvy is beautiful, a real man does not want a stick figure woman. He wants a strong curvy lady. But of course, a real man will love you for who you are."

To this day whenever I feel bad about me, I remember what he said. I also remember what he said when I told him was cutting myself. He said,

"You need to cut that out, you are too beautiful to do to yourself unknown. Why? Why do you that? I love you so much, you are so smart and talented. I don't want you hurting yourself anymore. I'm not good at this emotional thing but you need to stop. I don't want you to die. Your cousins and sister look up to you so much. They love you as well."

I cried rivers, I never wanted to hurt him or do wrong by him. All of my life he was my father figure. I followed his words like it was God's. I know that if he knew what I was doing now he would be disappointed in me. But god do I try, I try so hard. I always end up doing stupid stupid things. The hatred I currently have for myself knowing I am finding comfort in places I should have never traveled. Finding my worth in the hands of people I shouldn't think about. Things travel around and I know this is going to bite me in the ass.

At this point in my life right now I'm searching for what? I don't know. But I am looking, I'm going and doing things I probably shouldn't. Afterward, I get upset with myself, break down and cry. It's a fun cycle. However, I know I'm not happy. When things aren't going well with me. I push people away and I hurt people.

Whenever something happens with my mother and I am away. People asked if I need a ride to get to her. I never accept, Kate says it's my pride. I say that I've always been independent and if something is wrong, I will find a way even if that means calling home in the cold. My excuse every time is that I walk because I need to think. The truth is I do think during these walks, I also yell at myself and beat myself up. It's a very crude walk.

I look around me and see everyone. I always wonder how they are doing. Even with sitting merely feet's away from them twice. I wonder what's going on? How's their mother? How're the dogs? What's life looking like right now? Any plans? How's your relationship going? I see what they look like but what's going on? It's weird but sort of nice since we went from talking all the time to only speaking when the two of us are present in person and even then, it's a few words and a laugh and silence.

Right now, my favorite songs are Somebody New, Bulletproof Baby, by The Struts. Faking It and The Only by Sasha Sloan. Be Alright by Dean Lewis, and Fresh Roses by Juke Ross. That's my mood. The itchy desire to say screw being clean and fuck myself royally, Is a constant battle at the moment. Of course, I speak to no one about this. My temper has spiked up, my attention and will to do anything is thinner than paper at this point. I'm so easily scared and anxious. My family decided its funny to scare me, I scream and I yell and they laugh. I don't find it funny. My heart is racing and my anxiety is rising to extremely high points because you wanted to chase me around the house and scare and terrorized me. Jean one night had me trapped in the bathroom because she was waiting on the other side of the door waiting to hit me. I'm too old and too big to be scared about getting hit and beat up by a little fucking kid. I'm not a fighter and I never will. I get scared easily, and I'm trying to stay happy and not so timid but it's hard.

I feel so exposed to everything. I say I'm strong and everything is okay. But I'm so weak, I don't do well when I'm alone but that's where I put myself. Alone, away from everyone. I guess the one thing that is good is that I found out my hair isn't damage, it just changed textures. Which I didn't know hair could do, but my hair stylist told me that my hair just matured and changed texture and to calm down. That me happy because I was scared as hell. I played bingo for the first time. It was fun and stressful, but I went playing with my grandma. It was nice just to spend time with her even though I was trying to win money against her. The bingo place we went to, is exactly like how the movies show. It was a giant room lined with tables with a ton of old and middle-aged who have no life people. Where my grandma and I were sitting smells like boiled eggs and old people farts. At the end of the night, it was fun! I enjoyed the company of the old couple (who were so cute) in front of me.

I just want to be able to breathe, because right now it's really hard. I feel exposed and gross and dirty. I just want to be clean and whole again.

Forever Exposed,

Unknown