Please Understand Why

Thanks for Coming.

   I apologize I'm so down. Everything is getting to me recently. Jean has been openly disrespecting people. God, It's so bad. Jean spent a whole weekend (that she volunteered too) where she did nothing but be rude, catch an attitude, and snap at our grandparents. Our grandma spent over 100 hundred dollars and an hour in one store to make sure she got exactly what she wanted. Jean complained and caught an attitude the whole time. The next day was our grandmother's birthday. Jean made the day a living hell. Then Jean had the nerve to respond grandmas "Is your dad home?" with a "No but he isn't my dad." I snapped. How could she say that? That man does nothing but love and tries to care for her. He claims her as his own. He protects her and wants the best for her. No matter what she does to push him away, he stays and still provides for her. What she did was low. It was wrong. She would never say that to his face. So why say? I was so tired of her and her disrespect; I just sat down and cried. She claims she has no family and that's why she's depressed, but she's alienated herself from everyone. That's her fault. She's become that family member that makes you think "Wow I'm really related to that." And that's sad thinking about that.

     I've been so out of it. I was riding on this high of joy and then I just crashed. I know I'm sad when I'm reading instead of doing something else. I also get really quiet. I'm not a quiet person around the right people. But I've been really quiet around them as well. I, however, do not notice the difference. I know I start to read more and I listen to country music. I'm either unaware of everything or I notice every little thing. How I can tell things are going not so great. I honestly don't have much to say.

     Oh my god. I can't wait for you to open up your fucking eyes. I can't wait for you to see what you are doing. Maybe I'm talking to myself. I found out information about my dizziness issue. My blood pressure is constantly unregular which is bad. I asked... well more so begged the doctor not put me on meds. I didn't tell her I have/ had a pill abuse problem. I told her I try to avoid taking all meds together. She put me on 4 different strong pills. I hate taking them. I'm terrified that I'm doing to snap and abuse them. I've been so good. I do not want to do that. Mom watches me when I take them. 1: to make sure I actually take them and 2: to make sure I take the right amount. I heard Casey telling Dave "she asked the doctor not to put her on anything. She doesn't want them. That's why I watch her."

     Hang on with me for a second, I'm a little bit of everywhere. My head has been drugged and anxious. I've been so scared of everything. So distant. I want to spend time with friends but I just can't. My head is fuzzy and at least twice a day my heart wants to jump out of my chest. I just don't know, every time I think about it. Every time I say it, my heart aches. Like it physically hurts. Why would it do that? Like I know that I have known these things for a long while. But it still fucking hurts. I always feel like I'm asking too much out of people. Then I get upset when they are doing the opposite of, I thought they would and that's my issue. Not theirs.

I      Feel              Alone.

     The other day I was talking to mom and I was ranting about something and then I said, "You will never catch me jealous of a weaker bitch." I don't fucking know. I guess I just think I've come too far, became so strong. I don't need to worry about someone weaker than me. That's not me being vain. Because I'm not better than anyone. I'm just not going to worry about someone who can't see their own worth. Why should I? I'm having trouble with words.

     I just don't know what going on. I'm sorry. I'm currently wacked out on my nightly meds. I'm sweating like crazy. I'm breathing hard. I keep closing my eyes and shaking my head to keep focus. I feel like I need to puke. Dear god, this is bad. Mom tells me my body just has to get used to the meds since I've been off of everything for some time now. I hate this feeling. I don't even want to go to friend's house to sleep knowing I have to take these. I would have to shut down any type of fun and that's not fair. I'm complaining a lot I know.

Thanks for coming,

Unknown