Please Understand Why

The Sea Turtle

          Everything hurts. Everything burns. And for once again in my life, I thought about my own ending. But unlike many books, I saw no happy ending for me. The pain and sorrow I felt was breaking. I was,i am, broken. I feel like a sea turtle with a plastic ring around my neck. Choking, slowing losing air until I finally take my last breath. I feel as if it would serve some poetic justice. As if my last words would do someone good. But it won't. Instead, I would be leaving behind the people that care for me the most. I would be leaving behind my younger sister who has always been more of a daughter to me. My younger cousins who think I'm the best and so great, who remind me all the time about how much they love me. But I'm struggling, I've tried to set a good example for them so I quit self-harming. I also heard my sister saying that she would do it as well and I freaked not wanting her to make the same mistakes I did, I talked her out of it.

          But like every addiction, there is a relapse and this time it was worse than the last. I destroyed not only one of my arms but both. They now look similar to a worn-out cutting board. It's sad and I'm disappointed in myself. How could I let this happen? I was doing so good, I had finally got the old one to tan over and then I had a small relapse then now this one. I told a friend I feel as if I'm sitting on the edge of a void, screaming into it but not to hear the echo in return, I only got a static white noise that was slowly driving me insane. At times I feel so high a mighty but then I feel so weak and useless. I couldn't stop the tears and the words that I threw towards my mother that night. I was just so stressed and I want her to get better and take charge of her position as the mother and wife of our household. I never meant to make everyone in the house cry. Starting at me, then my sister, to my mother, before finally breaking my father. It is my fault that night happened. If it wasn't for me, nobody would have shed a tear, nobody would be pretending like it never happened, giving a weird awkward feeling to the house.

              Because that's what it is a house, not a home. A home is somewhere you want to go, filled with love and joy and happiness and every blue moon sadness. This house was filled with disgust, hatred, fake smiles, sickness, and filth. My "home" was just a house I had to go to, a place I hated going to every day after school. My mother is confused on why my sister and I are never home. We would be home more if we enjoyed being there. I think if I did end it all people would be so lost without me, I do everything around the house. I'm my friends go to person when they are upset or need someone to talk too. It's like ever since I haven't been the same just a hollow shell of my former self. Everything around me started to crashing down and everything I loved seemed to be slipping from my grasp. I'm like a tornado, I quickly destroy everything in my path just to leave behind a trail of hurt, loss, and misery. The others say I'm the best and kindest person ever, I care about everyone else before myself. Which is true, I do put the people I care about before myself. I don't view myself that highly but everyone else around me, I believe deserves the world and all of its wonderful goodness. I put myself in the shadows until I finally snap and people are in awe because of it. Which isn't right. Now I wish I didn't have to wake up and get out of bed, I wish I didn't have to come to school just to feel useless. I wish that I could take my last breath and never come back.

         Sadly, it isn't that way. Nowadays I don't come to school not because I'm sick or hurting. Because I simply don't want too. Which last year I would have never done. I would have pushed through and just went no complaints. Everything is different now. I know I'm lost and broken, I know I can't take much more. But I'm also not strong enough to end everything I've worked for either. So, I'll continue to lose air and scream into my void. Because we all know therapy is not going to help me. It never did before for the 5 years I was in it.

The Sea Turtle,

Unknown