Please Understand Why

Please don't go

I

Am

Lost

I seemed to find myself at the end of the void again. No. Possibly trapped in my beloved glass dome. In terms, I'm alive but am I living? My dad told me I was sleeping my life away. But tell me if I know there's nothing to do and I wake up just to repeat the same routine of doing nothing am I truly sleeping my life away? The things I want to I have completely detach from because it was dangerous. It was a fun danger. Bad dirty wrong danger. I know it was wrong and yet I want it. No, I do not want it. It was wrong and I will never again.

Dear Miss. Stupid,

I love talking to you, you fuel my anger, you flame my bad decision. You are me and I am you. Together we are a whole lot of what the fuck? I enjoy that. You're the small voice in my head that tells me to just say fuck it, text him. Say fuck it she could be fun. Miss. Stupid we have an issue though you haven't been fun recently. More sad and demeaning than anything. Now I thought we were friends, and yet you and Mr. Fuckyou have become a force. He is good, my rational thinking, the person that keeps me from doing bad things. He's smart but I guess he went on vacation because I have been left with you. Please if you see him, tell him I miss him.

Unknown

I am observant for the most part. I mean I am avoiding basketballs as they fly above my head. Which is so nerve-wracking, thanks. I do not listen to what people say... most of the time. But I do watch. I choose a person and follow them to see and watch how they interact with others. I like doing this it's interesting. I've always like watching, you can see how people are without talking to them. I then change people and wonder if they interact with my first person. If I'm interested enough and really wanted too. I'll listen to what they talk about and or how they talk about it. Most people are so loud it's not snooping, it's more listening to air that was disturbed by them. I notice lots of groups, the couple outsiders that cling to the wall and to their selves. Some stray social people that float from to group.

I cannot have another important guy in my life, look me in the eyes say they love me then leave me. I can't. I will lose my shit. I also can't let them stay when they cause so much pain. I loved my real father I looked up to him so much. I was his empress no one else could call me that because that was his special name for me. The night I walked downstairs to get a drink just to see my father looking stern and my mother bailing. She ushered me back upstairs. The next day I believe she sat me down and told me that he wanted us out of the house. I asked, "does he not love us anymore?" I cried, how could he make us move? As I got older, I realize that was for the best. One night I heard him screaming so I grabbed my older autistic brother and little baby Jean and hid all of us under the crib. I made sure everyone stayed quiet, everyone was safe because I protected them. I made sure of it.

When mom met my stepfather I hated him. I knew that he came over to have sex then leave. I hated him because I believed he was using mom. I am very protective over my mom. I approved of mom marrying Dave because he made her happy and I wanted my mom to be happy. Now I sit here and think about when he didn't say mean things to mom. My mother doesn't deserve this shit. She's been through enough shitty men. I learned to accept and love you. I love Dave, in my eyes, he is my dad. But when it gets like this, it reminds me of what I saw when I first met him. When he is angry he yells, and says " you're fucking fat and lazy.", " you do nothing but sit on your ass.", " instead of sleeping all day you should get your stupid ass up and clean the house.", " the house fucking stinks." He slams doors and tells mom how he's going to leave her. I do agree mom isn't the same as when they first got married. She gained weight and her health has declined. But you fucking knew she had these issues when you two got married, you knew what you were signing up for you fucking pig. Mom stays silent and doesn't say a word. She just takes it. He was yelling at her one day and I snapped and banged on the door screaming telling her to get away from him, and to stop letting him say those mean things. I screamed " mom get away from him, stop letting him talk to you like that. Mom come out here with me, mom, please. Mom! Don't let him say those things!" My heart was pumping and I was crying because mom can never chase a break, first my real father then Dave they abuse her in the worse way possible.

Emotional. My real father did it with a sound mind. He was an evil man. I don't even think Dave knows that he's doing it and that's fucking terrible. I hate yelling, I hate when things slam, I hate arguing. It's all so unpleasant. The sad thing is I'm scared that some guy will see what Dave and my real father saw in my mother in me and leave me too. That's fucked up. I mean if Dave leaves, we have to move to my grandparents which means no more orchestra, no more color guard. Jean can stay in band but they don't have my favorite things down there. We would also be stuck in a religious hell hole. I'm so sad and tired of the yelling and slamming.

Dave came home recently with food. He was angry and yelled at Jean's cat, then he got up the people messed up his order. So mom tried to move bacon onto his burger when she did this his bun and tomato fell to the ground. He exploded, he threw down his two things on fries and his burger into mom's lap. Yelled "Fuck it! Fuck it! You guys can have this shit." Stormed off and slammed his doors. Later when I asked mom what happened she said he was upset about the house stinking. Nobody smells it but him. He has a sensitive nose, I'm pretty sure if you breathe the wrong way, he could smell it. But he magically can't smell his smelly ass daughter. Oh but wait she can do no wrong in his eyes. I'm just so tired of walking on eggshells in my own home. I'm tired of this evil dictator ruling over everything. I thought homes were more of a monarchy instead of a dictatorship, very wack. My heart hurts so much. I don't like mom being treated this way and I do not like all of the yelling and slamming things. It just sucks.

Please don't go,

Unknown