Please Understand Why

See Me

Dear Chance,

I thought I was okay, I was cool to see you and hear your voice and breathe the same air you was, but I'm not. Seeing her and you, was like you were stealing all of my air from my lungs. I was shaking so bad, I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I thought the ground was going to swallow me whole. Then she kept kissing and touching all up on you. I cringed at first but then it felt like I was choking. Not to mention it felt as if you were staring into my soul. I tried to look everywhere but you two. I look at the home screen of my phone and asked Kate to ¨save me¨. Because, I felt as if I was going to fall to my knees in tears, or just break down from anxiety. I'm not ready to see you guys as a couple, nor am I ready to hear you talk about her with all love and goodness. I was shaking so hard it shook my whole body, it was noticeable. It didn't stop once you left, my leg was shaking so bad, Leo had to ask if I was okay. I told him many things. I don't have the balls to tell you. I thought you would have text me later that day, to check on me. Well, I was hoping you would. But you didn't. I should have known.

I want your attention, when I shouldn't. I want you to care for me, but I shouldn't. I'm not yours. I know that. You are not mine, no matter how much I want that to be. I remind myself that, we are not the same. We don't feel the same upon this matter. I'm trying. I'm trying to lose this attraction but no its stuck, like a magnet. Its seem to be tattooed on my heart. I wish I could get it removed but no. God, too much in-person interaction. Too much. I saw you walking and I knew at the rate I was walking and the rate you were walking, we would bump or come face to face with each other. So, I slowed down, but you slowed your pace as well. And by this time my heart was racing. So, I put my head down, knowing it was a way to disappear. But no, you had already saw me and you were looking at me, we came face to face and you said hey dude with that fucking smile, and my heart was pounding so hard that, I thought It would jump right out of my chest. I mumbled a hey with a forced smile. I prayed you didn't notice the fakeness in my smile. But god you still smell nice. The little voice that usually tells you to eat the whole bag of cookies was instead telling me I still wanted your kiss. Like I shouldn't have these thoughts, but the more I see you it gets more apparent that the feelings are still there. So, shoot me.

Is it so bad I want you to see me, but not as a friend? But I also don't want you to see me at all. I know I'm being crazy and confusing, aren't I? I'm sorry. I say I'm sorry a lot but thats because I feel bad. At all times. But god, yesterday, I wanted to cry. All the tears. Like Fuck you. No actually fuck you. Fuck you for the feeling you make me feel. Fuck you for the smiles. Fuck you for the laughs. Fuck you for the promises, I made for you. I'm being harsh. Never mind. Don't fuck you but man, I'm confused. And bitter. I just don't understand anymore. But, a part of me still wants you to understand why. I put my head down when I see you as If on cue. Why I can't look at you and not want to cry. Why I can't be around you without my heart wanting to jump out of my chest. I want you to know, but I don't understand how to get there. You don't understand and I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm in pain. But you don't see me. I was asked, what's so special about you? What draws me in? What is it that keeps me hung up on you? Honestly, I looked at them and just sighed because I didn't know. Maybe it's the fact you're like a puzzle, so confusing but in the end, it reveals a beautiful image. Or, it's because you were my first chance. Maybe because I see you as a Greek God, maybe not built like the sculptures but definitely the fact that you are good and grant the many people wonders before you add your own twist. Or maybe it's because, I'm under a spell of gorgeous blue eyes and that smile, and only at your will shall I be set free. My muse, My love, My boy, My friend, but you're not mine. That's the ironic point. Your eyes a deep space and the more I look into them, the farther I fall into your trap. That thing inside your skull is magical. Like a symphony, so filled with beauty and grace but just like every musician, they had to start at the bottom so there is darkness, less graceful and beautiful places. You hold this glow of happiness and good vibes even on your harder days. You unknowingly draw people in. Your stronghold but soft touch is where people go to feel safe and protected. No matter if I want your hug, I couldn't do it. I would break down, in your arms. But god, you have one of the scariest resting bitch faces ever but then you smile and everyone in a 100-mile radius can see and feel the energy flowing from you.

You have seemed to always leave me breathless, rather it's from laughing so hard, or just simply with your presence, but now I'm breathless out of fear. Man, it hurts to get friend-zoned, like whoa there. But, I rather have you friend-zone me rather than you saying my name. Every time my name leaves your mouth, it seems to burn me. Acid on the flesh. Salt in a wound. Papercut. I don't know it just hurts, because like it feels so disconnected, so stern, so harsh. It's vile and is bound to kill me every time. I understand you use my name when trying to help me through something But, otherwise it's just plain, scary. I just wish... nothing. I'm okay.

See me,

Unknown