Please Understand Why

Table Talk

     "Here we sit across from each other at a table. I place down my heart and trust. All I ask for is the same in return. I don't care about your past. All I care about is our future and what lays ahead of us. So, take my hand and whisper to me all your fears and dreams, and I'll try to make them all disappear and come true.  
This is my vow to you." ~ Unknown 

              Last time we spoke I was having a lot of issues and I decided that it was time for a change. Well... that's not what ended up happening. I ended up completely losing my mind and falling back into my old depressive state. I had surgery on my mouth to have all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed. God, let me tell you that was horrid. I was out of school for 2 weeks, and I ended up getting a dry socket on my right side because my mouth didn't like me. As well I have a cavity for the first time in my life which is just great.  

             I also found out that my birth control came in which I don't want at all. It was never my choice. My father decided back when I was dating Chance that since I was able to lay down with him on a couch that I needed to be put on birth control. What happened was my father saw Chance and I laying on the couch together with Chance laying with his legs on either side of me and I was resting my head on his chest holding on to him. My father a day later after telling my mom his decision had mom tell me, he wanted me on birth control. I freaked out naturally, did my father think I was a whore? What was so bad about us just laying down? That didn't change my behaviors at all. If anything, it was the main focus of any of my relationship topics now. I don't blame anyone for this. It happens. According to the doctor, I can't take the most common pill because it could make my dizziness and headaches worst. So that leaves me with less effective pills or IUD or and stick type of guy that goes into your arm. I ended up choosing the stick guy because apparently its really effective and it lasts up to 3 years. I may not be the happiest about it but I know it's for my own good. 

           Speaking of which it's November, this week is Chances birthday and it also means it's been one year since we broke up. Which kind of makes me sad because I remember everything and I remember that day so clearly. I remember what he said and the way he refused to look at me. I also know how much I grew and how much I have changed. I know that he and I aren't speaking anymore which is honestly for the best. This month is also the one month of Nickie and I relationship. Nickie is the person I spoke about last chapter and how I wanted to change for them. I actually really proud that we lasted this long. Nickie makes me happy and I hope we can continue to grow and become even better. 
I know I shouldn't talk or think about these things but If I don't share them, I will explode and break down especially this month so let's take a little stroll through the memory archive of Chance and I relationship. Please don't kill me for this section. 

        I guess we can start at when we celebrated our one month. I woke up to the message of: 

       "Good morning baby, I don't know how we do and anniversary on a month without a 31st but happy one-month anniversary baby. I've never been so truly happy. This is the best relationship I've ever been in and it shakes me to the core thinking about the chance of losing you and I'm so fucking happy that we have each other and I can't wait till we spend the rest of rest of our lives together. I love you with every fiber of my existence." I was the happiest girl in the world. I was so happy. I sent back: 

            "Good Morning baby, we just go with the first, but happy one-month love. I can't believe I'm with you but I'm so happy I am. I've never been this happy and in love with someone before. And so happy it's you. It's scared the living hell out of me just thinking of losing you. I can't wait to wake up next to you every morning for the rest of our lives. I love you so much it hurts at times." I meant every word I typed that morning. Yes, looking back its really over the top and just cringe-worthy but that's how it felt. At times I miss that feeling that free-ness to just confined in those words and spill them so freely. It's crazy to think about when we started to talk in the very beginning, I asked his age and when I told him my age, he called me a "wee-baby" since then it became a little joke.  Sometimes I would just get random messages of appreciation in the middle of the day such as: 

            "Hi baby I love you so much and you won't see this for a while but I want you to know I'm so happy and I love with you. I've never been so happy and truly enjoying every moment with you. Whether we just lay and cuddle or talk about dumb stuff in the phone. But I truly love you and can't wait till the day I wake up next to you. I love you baby, I truly do. With every single part of me" Do you understand how special I felt reading that? I felt like nothing could stop us. He was mine and I was his. In my mind, there was no harm, no foul play. It was just us. It was like we were in a magical kingdom where only aliens and creatures from video games and unicorns lived.  

        One day I was sitting in my art class right before the 5th hour I believe, and Chance sent me a phrase that read "Ich Liebe Dich" I didn't understand what it meant. I just amused his pressed and bunch of buttons and sent it. But he told me not to translate it and he will translate it for me when he sees me when we meet up. I kept my word and didn't translate it. I knew that he was in German class but I didn't really think into it. So, when we met up, he repeated the phrase again then said it means "I love you". It was so sweet and cute. It was special to me. It made the German language more appealing because I knew I wanted to take German but afterward, I knew that I was going to take German just so I could learn how to say pretty things like that. It was just my little extra motive. Now German is my favorite class now, I actually love learning the language and culture.  

          However, this last memory is really painful. Looking back its when I realized that he and I weren't going to last that much longer. I hope we would, but deep down I knew something wasn't right and that maybe my man wasn't MY man anymore. It all started when we had a music department lock-in at school. Chance, Kate and Rachel and I were all this one giant group. At the time Rachel was going through something and Chance was her friend and was helping her out. So. I thought nothing of it. All throughout the that we were at this museum, I started to get sad because she had his attention more than I did. So, Kate and I broke away from the group. We didn't meet back up with them until it was time to leave. When we made it back to the school, I didn't eat I didn't really start to sit around him because I thought he didn't want my attention. But I notice that at the table he was sitting at with Rachel, he had his head down and he was shaking. I knew he was upset so I went over to him and hugged him and tried to get him to tell me what's wrong. I rubbed his back and spoke softly to him. He got up and went to the bathroom, and then when he came back, I stopped him and asked what's wrong. He told me that when I walked away unannounced at the museum that he thought Kate and I were talking about breaking up with him. That hit it me hard and I felt shitty not even thinking about the way of me disappearing would affect him. I told him that I wasn't thinking about that at all, I just need some time to breathe and get away from the group and I would never. We ended up hugging it out and kissed and everything was good.  

        Later that night I got really depressed and I was wanted to lay down and hold on to him but I couldn't I knew he needed to be a good friend to Rachel so I ended up laying down beside him on the bleachers faced away from him. I only texted Kate all the sad feelings that were happening. He tried talking directly to me but I never answer. I just nodded my head signaling that I was okay. But I wasn't I heard him whispering to Kate asking what's wrong and I believe she told him I was tired and just depressed. I remember him gently stroking my head and rubbing my back soothingly. I enjoyed it. When it was time, we went swimming in our school, I was so nervous to wear a swimsuit near him because what if he didn't think I was pretty exceptionally since it was the first time that I have ever worn a tankini in front of anyone that wasn't my family. But when he saw I was wrapped in a towel. I decided I could just throw my towel over my arms. He told me I was beautiful, I felt beautiful. Swimming was fun and then afterward once we had changed, we all just laid around. I ended up with my back against the folded bleachers sitting Chris-cross. I had Chances head in my lap and I played with his hair. Kate was curled up into my side using my thigh as a pillow and Rachel was using my other thigh as a pillow. I ended up playing with Kate and Chance's hair until they both fell asleep. It was peacefully. At home, I went to sleep the second I sent my "goodnight" texts. I woke up to a long message that read: 

           "Good night baby, I love you. I can't put into words how much I love you and I'm sorry that the lock-in was that hard on us but we'll come back from this and we'll get better I promise. I will do everything I can to be there for you always and I'll always be one call away from trying to come to you when you need me. I love you so much baby girl you have no idea. Sleep well and text me in the morning. I love you honey and I'll never give up on you, even if you push me away. I'll never give up on you for you are the light of my world. You are the light that keeps me going at the end of a hard day... I can't lose you and I never will. I love you way too much and it physically fucking hurts when I think I might lose you. I love you honey and I hope you feel the same way. Goodnight baby. I'll give you everything I can till you have my first name." I felt every word. I loved him with my whole heart. I loved him after as well. In my heart, there was no room for any other. He was my everything and I knew this to be true. Waking up to that was amazing it made all the worries I had from the previous night disappear. What can I say? He had a way of words that always seemed to affect me. More days passed and we seemed to be drifting apart, our texting became dry and almost not even there. Rachel seemed to start moving in real close, a little too close for comfort. I started thinking it didn't care for me anymore. I sent to him:  

       "I'm scared... I'm scared that I'm going to wake up and someone else is going to steal my place. Or that I'm going to lose you. To someone prettier, better, smarter, slimmer than me. And I know school work comes first. I know I should get used to not talking to you as much, so that way I'm ready for when you go. I love you. I really do. I love you so much. You're the first person I've felt this way about. I don't want to lose you. I want to be selfish and keep you all to myself. Like I plan on doing. And I'm sorry for the short responses and the dry messaging recently. I just have no proper response to any. I should have told you sooner but I wanted to understand how I felt first. Before I try to explain it to you... I still don't know exactly how I feel... and that scares me. And a part of me feels like I'm losing you and that you are just slipping from my grab. I don't enjoy that feeling because I do love you with every part of me. It hurts..."  I was honest. I was trying to hint at the fact I wasn't comfortable with Rachel anymore. I didn't want to lose him so I told him. So later that day he sent me: 

      "I'm so sorry we haven't been talking like normal baby but don't ever think anything is coming between us because I refuse to let anything try. I love you baby and I won't hurt you and tomorrow I'm gonna get to school extra early to do work so just tell me when you get there... I'm so sorry baby. I really am, I do feel terrible for it... tomorrow when you come over, we can just talk. Like all night till family shows up, then we have to interact with them GROSS, but all night before they get there it will just be you and I. I won't even look at my phone to talk to anyone else (like Rachel, that'd be about it.) I'm really sorry and I feel fucking awful for everything that's been going on and I had an anxiety attack about it earlier because I was scared my carelessness was pushing you away and I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry honey and I'm gonna work so hard to get back to where we were before. I promise you baby. But schoolwork does come first, I'm sorry..." He spoke to her the whole night that was supposed to be us. He was laying against so I saw the whole conversation. But that wasn't the point. He said that it would just be him and I talking and don't get me wrong, just relaxing with him was nice. It just felt more distance, it felt as if he wanted to be with her instead of me. I had fun with him and his family.  

     Looking back, I realized that there were so many signs. I was right for being nervous or scared of what may happen. I knew I should have trusted my gut and maybe I should have tried harder. But Kate once told me  

"No man should make another girl feel as special as they do their girl."

         It makes sense. Then I realized that I'm the other girl. So many other things happen so many other events a lot of which are recorded in this very book. I wrote for him to understand and for me to vent and say things I could never say to anyone's face.  I know that I've made good friends out of all of this. One of the friends I've made when he walks past me when tells I look nice today or I'm beautiful or simply hi. It makes my day and it's just a small thing. My other friends keep up with me and are super nice. I know I have grown from this. I'm a different person now a better person. Does it stop the memories? No. But do I what to do and not to do now? Yes, kind of. I thank Chance for coming into my life and shaking things up. I'm proud of who I am today, I'm also a lot more careful with the things I do and say.  

Table Talk, 
Unknown