Please Understand Why

Always the Addict

¤May be triggering, you have been warned¤

Welcome back to addicts anonymous 

Anyone like to share... Ah yes, you.

Hi, I am Unknown and I'm an addict

Hi Unknown!

    I’ve struggled with my addiction for 4 years now. It started off as wanting to fit into my friend group. A red marker before I finally committed to my gig. A part of me wishes I had stopped there. I wasn’t bad until I sickly found comfort in the pain. I started to overuse my weapon it became a problem. I didn’t care. 4 years of mental breakdowns, doctors, therapists, and the undeniable relapse. So many relapses; some big, some small, each one just as mentally breaking as the last. It started with my crimson crying friend and 30-40 pills; together I felt unstoppable. I stopped the pills even though they were should have been the hardest thing to quit, they were the easiest. To this day I try not to take any type of pill, prescribed or not because of the fear of a relapse. 
    
      Out of everything I’ve lied like a true addict. I’ve promised, I’ve stared people in the eyes telling them I would never do this ever again. Somehow I always manage to crawl back to my little friend. At the end of the day, I feel just as empty as I did the day before except now my skin burns. I’ve spoken about my relapses before and each time it’s just as sad as the last. Naturally, I should have grown out of the habit years ago. The keyword should have. But fuck this, fuck that and fuck you.

Dear Chance, 
   
          I’m sorry. I know I promised, a promise which you most likely don’t even remember. That’s cool though because I do. I tried. I really did but I cracked once again. Yay me, right? But I am sorry because I truly am sorry because I really didn’t mean to break it. It’s bad. I’m acting upon it in public places now. I’ve never thought I'd reach that point, ya know? But how are you? How are things? So yeah, you really don’t have to answer any of this. If you see it... Or even give me a mere thought. I guess I just wrote this to say something or whatever. I don’t know anymore. Ciao. 

Dear Kate,

         I’m sorry I've been doing some stupid shit. I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away. I haven’t been replacing you, I haven’t been talking to anyone actually. I’ve been out of it, and man I’ve fucked up. You’ve been under pressure and stress and I’ve gone and lost my shit. I just don’t want to bother you or too upset you. I hate myself so so much. No joking. I wish I could say this is all a part of a cruel sick joke. But it’s not, and I don’t have a joke to soften the mood. I feel bad I talk about myself a lot and that’s not fair to you. I am deeply sorry. There are so many things I could say right now. But I just can’t, I can’t bring myself to say them. I’m sorry.

Dear Nickie,
          Hi there. So, I know I suck at talking to you about anything. I’m sorry for that. Just please give me time. I'll come around to talking to you. I’m glad you are comfortable talking to me though. But don’t ever think my not speaking is me not being comfortable with you because it’s not. Let’s see um two years ago I was diagnosed with major chronic depression and extreme anxiety when I was placed into the hospital. I also have major trust issues due to events in my life. So, I hope you understand. God, I’ve never said I’ve been diagnosed with those things before. That’s great. I guess I don’t talk about my problems because I find myself stressful and would never want to put that onto anyone else. But I don’t speak to watch you suffer I promise.

       This year I believe I’ve cried more times than I did last year and that’s something because I didn’t go through anything really heartbreaking. God, I'm a fucking emotional twat. When did I get so emotional and sensitive? Like whoever turned on my emotions needs to kindly turn them off. There are still emotions that are always off and those are the one I need. Oh my, I need to stop, I’m trash. Not the hip/edgy kind like an actual bag of garbage. I feel really stupid. I burn. Hell, I know I was losing it in the last time we spoke and I freaked out at the end. It doesn’t help with all the stress I'm feeling. I know I'm overly sensitive, I’m overly emotional, and I get upset easily. It’s a not a good quality of me but hey, it’s a trait. 

        Recently, I have been snapping on everyone, even friends. I guess I'm just generally disappointed in myself. Like the disappointment, I have for myself increases daily. Honestly out of all the shit I steadily take on a daily. I think I could use a break from all the shy comments and the fear and everything. But that’s okay. I say that’s okay a lot especially when I know it’s not okay but, instead, I want to degrade the problem so it’s no longer a major issue. Like for example I would say that’s okay or it’ll be okay, everything is going to be okay. I’ll just need to chill the fuck out and lighten the hell up. Maybe I need therapy again. 

Always the Addict,

Unknown

Ps. I will be going back and changing back some chapters to the way they were originally written. I give zero fucks now.