Please Understand Why

Time change

Dear Unknown,

        It's time to make a change. If there is a thing I have learned from writing and being able to look back at it, is that I have the platform to notice and not make the same mistakes. So, I won't. I'm going to get me together. I really like this person. They are so amazing in a lot of ways. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with them as I did with Chance or Brooke. We are going to get all part of us together. For them. And for us. They deserve a sane, rational, okay girlfriend, right? Just being around this person makes me so happy. They are always on my mind, not in a creepy way though. More of in a sweet sense. I don't know.

         But why would I need to change? Read the past 33 chapters that should sum it up. But, in the terms, I'm overly stressed and anxious at any and all times of the day. I routinely cry myself to sleep. I live in a house where I am in charge of taking care of everything including the people then gets blamed for everything that goes wrong. My physical and mental health has been on a slow decline. I have this thing where I get extremely dizzy and fatigue to the point where I sometimes can't even leave my bed. Due to this I have missed countless days of school and have fell down flights of stairs. So, I'm trying to get into to see the neurologist but who knows. I also have this thing for falling for people who love to lie to me.

          This time I want to do things right. I want to make sure things go well. This means I need to do a major cleansing with me and getting my act and things and mind together. They deserve this. Guard has been a challenge. Some girls let's call her bitch 1. I have missed many days, yes. But I know the routines and I know my spots. It's not like I just disappeared, I spoke to my coach every day and let her know everything that was going on. It's not like I disappear and then didn't try when I came back. I tried. So, fuck you.

          I wish I could be the best. I mean if I was just talking about the lessons I've learned. Question the best friend, make sure they fall in love if they are the rebound, always talk to each other, be honest, ask questions, keep open-minded, don't date a psychopath and many many more. Maybe don't date a psychopath should have been a no-brainer but he seemed nice when I met him until we broke up when he threatened to shoot up my house and kill my puppy. But that was my fault I should have listened to Kate when she said he looked kind of dangerous and crazy.

         I have many character flaws. Some of which affect my relationships this one majorly affects my relationships as in if I get scared or uncomfortable, I tend to back away or distance myself or getting hostile a lot which ends in the relationship ending. I don't know why I do this but I do and it's happened in all of my relationships. I don't want to do it in this one. It's hard for me to get comfortable in a relationship and when I do I'm over the moon about it. It makes me feel so happy that I'm comfortable and that I feel free with another person. Because just holding hands with someone who isn't my partner is hard for me. I cannot hold hands, someone who isn't my partner because it sends a weird message to my brain that this is not okay and that this is wrong. Nothing's wrong about holding hands, I know this but I just physically cannot hold hands with another person. The fact that I haven't been truly comfortable in a relationship is hard to wrap my mind around. It's hard to think about because why did I even try with them if I wasn't comfortable. I mean was comfortable to a certain degree but I wasn't fully comfortable if that makes any sense. With this new person that I like I feel free, I feel open, so free of judgment. It's wonderful I always feel so giddy and giggly. It's terrifying and wonderful all at the same time like a roller coaster.

          I just know that's it's time to change if things continue to go well, I may actually get back on my feet and become great again. I'm going to learn and actually realize my mistakes.

Time Change,

Unknown