Please Understand Why

The Glass Dome

Dear anyone, 

       Sometimes out of the blue I will yell or tell you “I love you”. It always comes out of the blue, like sometimes I will just be relaxing with Kate and then I squeal before saying “I love you” and hugging her tight. She tells me I'm adorable. But, like how can a person not feel that or why do I? Why do I sometimes have this feeling bubble inside of me that suddenly explodes before (mostly squealing) saying I love you. Casey thinks it's because I'm underappreciated and want to give love and get attention. But I don’t know. Could it be from all those times that I said I love you and never got a response back? Could it be me trying to refill all of the love I have placed on other but that was never returned? I will never know. I guess I’ll just stay the same and continue.

       Most recently I feel like I'm trapped inside of a glass dome. I wake, eat, work, sleep, and repeat. Every once and a while ill bang on the glass hoping it would break or someone will hear me and I would be set free. I feel like Tinkerbell when she was trapped in the lantern, hopeless, and bound for nothing.

      Recently I’ve reached a new low. I never used to cry because I thought of it as weak and that I was too strong to cry. Now I get scared and start bawling. Life has made me soft, and I can’t care anymore at this point. My grades are a mess, I'm a mess, my friendships are a mess and my family life is a mess. I'm going to have to make the decision of either accepting family exile and losing the chance of a good future or suffer and continue to push myself like normal. I just want to be at peace. Yes, I smile. Yes, I laugh. Yes, I play around like I'm okay. 

I am not okay. 

     I wish I could say I was. I just want to be at peace; where I don’t cry myself to sleep. Where I don’t want to say fuck it all. I just want to be stable. I'm so tired and at this point, I don’t think it's from a lack of sleep. 

      Recently I found a video that showed me throwing at least 5 folded letters into the fireplace and I just watched them burn. Some of them were to Chance, and some were from Brooke. The ones to Chance clearly never made it to him because I well set them to flames. I burned them because I didn’t want to reread them. I wish I never found that video. It’s crazy because that video was just from December 27, 2017. 

     I’m so scared now. I find myself whispering to myself “I'm afraid”, and sometimes I get so scared that I will just burst out in tears. Ill beg for Kate, whispering that I need her and I want her. It’s so bad. Sometimes it's Chance.  But, when I ask for him, I get more upset. I know I can’t text him. I don’t want to bother him. He just looks so happy, who am I to ruin that with my issues. I also don’t want to cause any issues at all between him and Rachel. I feel like in the glass dome and everyone around me is on the outside. Watching me, living their best lives, while I'm stuck in the same place. Curled into a ball wanting to rip apart my body hoping I can get out of my body. It's scary watching everything and feeling like you're on the outside looking in.  I feel so bad for Kate. I put her through so much and she does so much for me. I feel like she deserves so much more; out of me, out of our friendship. Thinking about it that way makes me feel shitty. 

     Staring off into the distance, I pray that someone will hear my beg and pleas and they will break the glass dome and save me from myself. 

The Glass Dome,
Unknown