Please Understand Why

Love Hate

I hate this month so much.

I woke up on the 8th which is the day of Chance birthday. I knew this; however, I've tried to ignore that. When I woke up and checked my phone. Stupid Facebook decided it wanted to remind me that it was his birthday. And I just threw my phone away from me. I could feel the knot in my stomach building and growing, I found it hard to breathe, tears burned at my eyes. I just sat there a balled. My heart hurt so much. Why though? Because Chance was born and I was so happy? No. I don't know why I started crying. Maybe it's because a few days before I decided to torture myself and look and reread old messages and screenshots, just to write the last chapter. When I went to see Kate in the morning. And I just held on to her, I didn't understand my mind. I knew it was coming up. I knew something would happen. I'm scared for the 13th. If I freaked over the damn guy being born. I'm scared to know how I'm going to react on the day he cut the ties. I remember that day. The long message I woke up too. Me going to Kate and telling her freaking out that I think he's going to break up with me. Me going to go meet him. Hearing him give the explanation. Staring at him in disbelief, trying to stay strong when I hear those forbidden words. Saying okay and walking away just to go break down in Kates' arms. Crying all day long. Getting a stupid "Are you okay?" text minutes after first-hour beginning. I understand things.

But, how did I get like this? I brush breakups off like its dirt on my shoulder. This is the only one that has fucked me up. I lost myself afterward. Me freaking out now makes me feel like a shitty girlfriend. I am a shitty girlfriend. I'm so distant, Nickie deserves so much more. I'm scared. I'm scared to fall in love with them. I'm scared of getting hurt. I know there are many things I should be doing that I'm not. I feel like shit because I can't tell Nickie why I'm upset. Why I'm depressed. I can't just say:

"Hey, so I'm really messed up because of an ex. Yeah, I still love them. Don't worry, everything is cool though. I'll be okay. It was a year ago." I can't say that I sound stupid. I sound stupid because of a stupid boy. I hate that dude. But I also love that dude. Am I in love? Hell no. Do I have love for him? Yes. Should I hate him? According to others, yes, I should. But I don't because at the end of the day. He is a good guy. Here I go again, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that he's a good guy and he deserves all good and beauty and I want what's best for him. I'm not doing it, because I could go on and on about that. But we all get the point. No matter what he has done and I have done. I still see him as a good guy and a wonderful person. That's the sad truth. Now I don't approve and like everything he does, because I do believe he makes a lot of stupid decision, one of them is texting me. But I can't say much because I'm the queen of bad decision making. I have thought of every reason to hate this boy. I have tried to convince myself of every single reason to hate him. I did this so much and wanted to hate him so much that I would twist his words in my mind, but I can't hate him. I have love for that boy. Is it clear that I'm losing my mind? I want to be a good girlfriend and that's hard because of fears. Heartbreak hurts like a bitch. I don't approve. I mean this should be a good month. We have a whole day to eat all the food we want, also my sister was born this month. I should be a happy ducky. I'll be good in a few days, I just need to get over this first time. I'll be good.

I'm a wreck not because of just this, yeah, it's bothersome but it's not the main reason. I'm just a depressed person. These last months have been hard because I haven't felt I was good enough. With just simple task. It's tearing down on me. Not to mention, my hair the one things I pride myself on is so damaged that it has straight pieces in it and it has lost all of it curls. Strands of my hair have been falling out as well. I kind of just want to cut it all off and pull a Nappily Ever After moment where I just shave all of my hair off and start all over again. I would if I could trust me.

Today is the day, I woke up feeling the anxious as if I read the lengthy message I woke up to. I sat next to Kate as the fear set in. I could still see me walking up to the table and him refusing to look at me. I can feel my heart-breaking again as I walked back to Kate to cry in her arms. The anxiousness of getting the "are you okay?" text. Going through the day, talking to him about getting rid of photos and giving back shirts and hoodies. Speaking of which when I got back my shirt and I gave back his shirt. He ended up giving me another one of his shirts. I hate to say that is still my favorite shirt. If he asked for it back, I would give it back. I did ask if he was sure when he gave it to me. At the end of the day, I found myself crying in my mother's arms. I cried to her and told her everything, I remember calling him a stupid boy. Do I think he is a stupid boy? Yes, at times. It all just hurts. I'm scared. I know that after today I will be able to breathe again.

Last night it hit me like a giant ass brick, that after all of this time of being friends with him and only allowing him to hug me a few select time. That I during those said hugs, I wrapped myself in my arms as I let him hugs. It was always a tight hug. That pulled at my heart every single time. I knew in the back of my mind, I should not be hugging this man. But it just dawned on me that the reason I wrapped my arms around myself was so that there was a barrier between us. So that way he couldn't get that close to my heart, for that would be too intimate in a senescence. I was protecting myself from opening up to him by holding myself as he did. I'm not going to lie. I let my guard down and hugged him back on some occasion. One event that comes to mind is the time I wrote about in The Scientist. I hugged him back and I broke down. Since my arms were around his waist while his were around my shoulders, I know that I at some point tighten my grip on his shoulders. I was trying to hold on to him while I had the moment before I had to let him go back to the one, he truly belongs with. I would never close my eyes and truly allow myself to enjoy his presence. I wanted too, trust me. I would watch all around me to see who else was looking at this hug, who else notice this? Most importantly who was going to save me after this hug was over? I always thanked him for the hug. Then we would split ways and I would run right back to Jace (Who I wrote about dating in an earlier chapter), and or Kate. She has been my rock even though she doesn't approve or like a lot of my decision and I don't blame her for that.

At times like this, I have to remind myself that I am the Queen of my own kingdom. No can take that away from me. I've also learned that when I hold my head high, I'm unstoppable. The second I let my head drop is the second my crown falls and I'm venerable. It's a sad state of affairs, but it's true. I could walk down a hall with my head held high, and nothing could bother me. When I walk down the same hallway with my head down everything scares me and bothers me. I must keep a clear mind today, or I may just lose it. I wish I could say goodbye, or I'm done. But I know I have done that before, and yet here we are. I won't say it, we are bound to speak again. It's nature.

Love Hate,

Unknown