Please Understand Why

Sad Worshippers

   She laid there staring at the ceiling in the dark. Blasting music in her ears. Mouthing every single word. Tears fill her eyes but never fell. A heavy pressure slowly applied itself on her throat as her mind waged war. The music didn't seem loud enough. The voices seem to get louder by the second. Stronger. Her skin burned with an awful fire. She couldn't help the thoughts of the angry words her friends, the fights, the issues. She tried to suppress, bubble to the surface. Her favorite song played, it attempted to envelop her in comfort but it failed. The man's angelic voice just didn't sing like it usually did. Evil, dangerous thoughts rang out. She didn't want them. She wanted someone there to help. But she had a great skill for pushing people away when she needed them. Her hands searched for her forearms before scratching at them. While some people's worlds are being brought to a new era of prosperity, others are falling apart.

     I am her. I thought about relapsing so much in the past month. I am just tired. Not the type of tired that can be fixed by sleep. No, the type of tired that makes people jump off of buildings. I'm so tired. I'm trying to be that happy, bubbly girl. Every single day that goal gets harder to reach. I just do not know. My friend is on the rocks. We never talk anymore. We don't see each other anymore really. The house that I've tried to keep together is falling apart. My health is literally in the drain. My grades are fucking garbage. How did I let this happen? What do I do now? Where do I go?

      I want to rip all my hair out. I feel like I have tried everything. I just want to get my quick fix and then be on my way. But the thing is my body currently is fighting because of the meds I'm on right now.

      I do not want to be happy! I want to be sad. For god sakes. Every time I try to be sad. I get told not to. I get told, "you're always fucking sad." Yes! I'm always sad because every time I try to be sad and deal with it, I get told to stop. So, I stop and never deal with shit. I just want to be sad. I'm tired of being "happy".

      I can't think straight anymore. I can do anything. Always feels like I'm stepping on someone's toes. Always feels like I'm in someone's way. Always feeling like a giant ass burden. I do not want to be strong anymore. I'm tired. It's a lot of fucking work. Teachers who don't know half of it, ask "how do you do it? I would have lost my mind by now." I do not know! I'm too young for this shit. Every time I feel like I'm losing it. I listen to depressing music, catch an attitude. Then pick my shit up and get back in.

       Things are going bad when I think the way my arms used to look sounds nice. That wasn't nice. God my arms were covered. Bruised. Just bad. The fact that I planned it out to avoid other people. Is gross. I was- am sick. I'm going to sleep before I do something stupid.

     Morning boo,

                  "What do you worship?"

      Naturally, I say nothing because I tend to have too many questions for Christianity which is what my family does. But worshiping things I find can be messy. I don't care enough to worship something. Buddhism and Muslim have too many Gods for me to keep track of. And I don't worship technology, because well I'm afraid of robots. (No joke). But what do I worship? Money? Nope. I'm a happy broke person. I also do believe that I need to worship something to have a good life. Strong faith isn't and never really been one of my strong suits.

     Going back to Christians I have too many questions that I have acquired over years of Sunday school and bible camp; That just contradicts what they were taught. I never asked because I didn't want them to tell my grandma I was asking such questions and then I get in trouble. I learn to dislike the practice of Christianity when I heard things. I recently asked, "if God can do everything, why did he make angels?" I was told Angel's were there to worship him. Now I don't know about you but how stuck up do you have to be to make people whose life purpose is sole to worship you. That's very confusing. I'm was thought to question everything. But faith. But if I don't question faith how will I know how it truly works. I probably should have told my loud mouth aunt that I worship nothing. I didn't think this through. Shit.

     I mean my baby cousin goes to a Lutheran private school. Where the actual school is in the church. I don't understand. Their test isn't like a normal test. Its half useful information and half Jesus based questions. I'm sorry is she doing to use Jeremiah to get her to college. No, she's going to used math, and science. Not sermons. She told me that they go pray, and have bible study and then they also have nap time. So when do these kids learn? Also, what's the point of a Christian school? I would like to know this one. I went to public school and I'm not a godless whore... all the time. I have morals. I have values and character. I didn't need Jesus being pounded into my head for that. 

Sad Worshippers,

Unknown