Please Understand Why

Power of Words

      I believe in words and the power they can hold. I believe words change the way people look at things. I believe in the different tones and meaning that follow the words. The simple words “I love you” hold a giant meaning. The three simple words I have struggled to throw away like rice at a wedding. Those three simple words held such a deep meaning and weight I wouldn’t speak them to just anyone. Only people in my life that have been there for years have heard me speak those words to me. I question these words when spoken to me. I listen to the tone, the body language to see if it’s true. 

     As a young child, I would always believe every word people said to me as if they came from the holy bible themselves. This was true until I was meant with that cruel faith of my father leaving my family after feeding my young mind with the “I love you”. I feel betrayed and then at this moment I questioned the power and meaning behind his words.  I started to write thinking about the power and meaning behind every word I wrote. The ways certain words bring tears to your eyes, or the way words spring a smile onto your face. For this is why I believe in words. 

      I could go on on about my trust issues or my fear of “I love you” but why would I? You all know that I am messed up. I have daddy issues, mommy issues, relationship commitment issues. Lots of issues. I talked about my relapse last chapter. That was fun... Recently what has been killing me the most is my anxiety and once again its circled around my 4th hour. How do I not freak? I mean I hear the ending of the lunch bell and my body loses it. My hands and legs start to shake really bad and I just can’t think straight. Which causes Nickie to ask what’s wrong and when I say it’s nothing, they don’t believe it. I wish they did because I don’t have a good solid answer for them. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t want to answer the question I don’t know the answers to either. I was wanted to not drown. I almost messed up today too. I was freaking out so bad, I went to go fit it until I remember what had been said to me. By people who helped and I couldn’t help but feel guilty so I turned around and rushed into class and just sat there. 

      There is a lock-in coming up and I don’t know if I will go. It scares me. The mere thought scares me. Kate won’t be there and I don’t have friends that I would want to spend a whole night with. I don’t want to be awkward or alone. I know Nickie’s going but I just want to be at home and read. Nickie told me that if I didn’t want to go we could just hang out that evening but I don’t know. I spent time with them before I’ve just been so antsy recently all by myself that I wouldn’t want to push that on to anyone else. Plus Nickie hangs out and talk to people I don’t really like or hang around anymore. So that wouldn’t work. Plus, if I wasn’t going to the lock-in I would want to be home. Plus, the last lock in I was kind of really depressed and with the way things have been going. I’m bound to say some shit to somebody and make a mess if pressed wrong. 

     My friend group is one person, and she’s the one person I truly trust, and who I know will be there for me no matter what. She has stood the test of time, our senior year we will have been friends for 10 years. That’s amazing. I honor her so much, that I always want to do right by her. I never want to upset her or have her upset or mad at what I do. Her say means the world to me. When I say this is the only person who has my whole heart, I mean it. It’s always Kate and I. We made a pact that said by the time were 30 if we aren’t in a committed long-term relationship or married. We’re marrying each other. She shows me my worth. This fun-sized firecracker is my world and I could never be able to explain how much she truly means to me. 

      One the day of my giant panic attack, I was in the lunch line. Suddenly the room started getting smaller and everyone was now 1000 times louder. I knew I had to get out of the line quickly. I told Kate I needed to get some air. When I got out of the line I sped walked to bathroom wear destroyed my legs. Kate called me but I never answered. She stood outside my stall and listen to hear my phone vibrate before she turned and waited for me. I sobbed in that stall. I was shaking so bad. I cleaned myself up before I went to Kate, we stared at each other. I was focused on her. If I saw her I was good, she was my grounding. 

      I decided I should be a good girlfriend and let Nickie know I was okay. So that's what I did, I found Nickie and told them I was good and I don’t know what happened. When I was about to go back to Kate because I could feel myself losing it. But Nickie had me wait for them so I did and I didn’t speak anymore to them. We just walk back to Kate. I stood against the wall and Kate stood in front of me, and Nickie stood next to me. I kept my eyes on Kate the whole time, I didn’t speak just stared and shook violently. Every time Nickie inched closer to me I took a step away. I didn’t mean it in a mean way, I just get scared.  I stood there breaking down, tears blurring my vision, hands, and legs shaking. Before Kate finally said, “it’s time to go to the bathroom.” I looked at Nickie and told them that I'll be back. I quickly rushed to the bathroom and pushed myself into a corner. Kate grabbed me and made me hugged her which I cried a little bit because I felt safe and I knew nothing could get to me. We left the bathroom and stood outside the bathroom and talked more which according to Kate, Nickie was looking around the corner the whole time. I never told Nickie what was going on. Earlier that day I told Nickie a little more about myself. I told them about chronic depression and extreme anxiety. That was a really big step for me. I told tell anybody anything.

        But after Kate had calmed me down I walked back to Nickie and the bell rang so Nickie and I started walking together to class, like normal I was quiet and distant. Nickie looked at me and said, “So I'm assuming you’re not going to tell me what’s going on like normal.” I did plan on telling them something about what was going on, but because of that one statement. I looked at them and said “Yep.” I wasn’t in the mood to deal with that it didn’t help they were posting on snapchat talking about being upset I wasn’t telling them anything. And they just need to learn that I will talk in my own time. I didn’t enjoy knowing that they were upset and was telling a snapchat story I wasn’t talking to them. I mean it wasn’t the first time it happened but I just wasn’t in the right place to speak and deal with anything. Once got to class they said that they were there for me and all of that. I walked into class and walked straight to my teacher and asked to go to the bathroom. He said yes so I went and cried in that stall as well. 

       I got so shaken up that I pulled out my phone and texted Chance. I asked for help. I knew he could help me in some way. I just prayed that he texted back. Because we hadn’t spoken in a while. I was happy that he responded. He helped me and I’m guilty of searching for him in an area or room I'm in when I’m anxious or sad. Knowing that he is just there in the room bring me comfort. He helped me and once I was calm, I went and took that classes test. I made sure to thank him a lot. He was taking time out of his life to help me fix mine. I also appreciated that he was willing to speak to me. I mean there no hatred between us I believe. But I know that I truly broke down when he said “You got this, I believe in you. Never stopped never will.” That’s what stopped me along with Kate words today. Knowing that they believed in me helps. I don’t think I could explain how powerful his words are to me. They help so much. I spent the last class in the library where I found a friend and talked to him. I swear, but that day was a shit show. I went home and told my dad it was a rough day he told me to cheer up. Thanks, dad it’s like I didn’t think of that all day.
I am so tired of being sad and anxious. Today at rehearsal I was so anxious and I was shaking and trying to play the bass which is never good. Yes, I did side glance at Chance. (Which congrats on getting good at the Oboe. I think that’s what you’re playing but anyway congrats.)  I get so scared now. I just cry and whisper help me and I'm sorry. Hell, in the last chapter I wrote in the chapter secretly “help me please” randomly spread out through the chapter. When will I get to solid land again? I’m tired of swimming, I’m drowning.

Power of words,
Unknown

Ps. Squirrels have nothing on my scatter brain at the moment.