Please Understand Why

Crybaby

Somehow along the way, I learned more about myself. I learned that I'm not good with relationships. I get bored and quit. I'm also not good at being social. I found that I've grown a small stutter throughout the year. I also learned that you have to push forward no matter the issue or problem. That you don't have to please everyone. That it's okay to be imperfect at all. That you don't have to confine to anyone standards besides your own. Even then sometimes it's okay to break those standards. This year I was met with this reality that, I can't be that perfect straight-A student and be a perfectly well mannered, polite child my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and parents, except me to be. I've always been held to a higher standard. Then my sister or other relatives. I have no clue why, but I was. So, I grew up with the image and thought in my head thinking that everything, I did have to be perfect or worthy of something. Which means perfect spelling, perfect manners, perfect smile, perfect appearance, perfect grades, perfect personality, worthy friends, perfect social life for a child. 

All of which I lack in now. But that broke me this year. I mean I am failing a class and my family got wind of that and completely blew up and jumped straight down my throat. When I tried to explain myself saying I didn't understand the materials and I was trying my hardest. They brushed it off as if I had never spoken a word at all. It hurt and broke my heart, knowing that I had failed and let them down. When I left the room, I balled my eyes out. Before fixing myself to look presentable and went back in. They couldn't know I was crying so I had to hide it. I always felt as if I let someone see me cry, I was weak. I was nothing but a crybaby, who cried and complained. I work hard for everything I get and I know my parents don't have a lot of money and my mother is sick so whenever I cry (which is rarely) I feel bad because they have worked so hard for everything and let me have a roof over my head and clothes on my back. 

So, I shouldn't have anything to complain about. But it's not like that. I take care of my mother because she is ill, I take care of cooking meals for my father and I take care and make sure my younger sister is okay. I also take care of myself and make sure my schooling is good. I'm the mother basically. But that okay because I learned that's it's hard being a mom and that not everything is easy. But crying is okay, you don't even have to have a reason sometimes you just need to cry. It's apparently healthy to cry but what would I know. I'm just some silly freshman. 

Crybaby,

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