Please Understand Why

Closed for Meetings

     I do not know where I am going with this one chapter so we're going to number each thought in some sort of order. Okay? Okay.

     1: Some days I wish I had a machine that could just record and write my thoughts. It would be useful because then I wouldn't have to try to remember the way I cleverly wordplay or the thought. Maybe I should just bring my notebook around so I can write down things right then and there.

     2: I never knew how disgusted intimacy makes me until I'm faced with it. As of a week ago, I cut out all intimacy in my relationship; this simply means no touching, no kissing. I don't want any of me touch. Do not touch my thighs, hips, upper waist, collarbones. The moment you are unable to provide the proper care for your significant other is a tough one. It's the moment when you know that you cannot give them what they need. I found my point, I'm not a good choice for them. I shouldn't be in a relationship when I can even kiss or hold someone without being grossed out. It's a hard pill to swallow.

     3: I think I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing. I did what I thought was best for me and them, right?

     4: I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. My mind is a maze and I seem to be stuck in it. It's been nice almost. I get to swim a lot and it's very freeing. When I walk into the class and actually change out, I just stare at the water because is calming. I lose myself in thoughts listening to the water splash into the drains. I have officially lost all of my peace at orchestra, my love for the music, my sense of safety. All of it gone.

     5: Scribbling words for this outlet scares me. I should stop things that scare me, but where's the fun in that. I could just waste my time and write nonsense. Which for the most part is all that I have been doing. I wish the words would just flow from me like a river. The way beauty and magic spouted out of me. It is a sad state of affairs. I can't seem to get the words out. I cannot just spit out the words that I want to say. I honestly do not know where I am going with this anymore. I've lost my muse, my passion. The thing that gave my thoughts and self-life and color. At the moment everything is so dull and lifeless. No magic, no love, no feelings, just going through the moments. Laughing when its time, smiling when others are happy, inserting a random joke to seem present in the group. I couldn't be farther away.

    6: Crazy shaky hands. Unsteady legs. Clouded thoughts. Starring at the crystal blue water I watch it glitter and sparkle. I start to notice the small details in the room I had no clue about at first. I sit mentally chanting for the boys to continue telling them that they got this. I think I got their names all down... almost. I jump to the water feeling my anxiety eat away at me as she says "go". I push off the wall so terribly it gives me no help what so ever. Kicking and pulling I reach and gasp before gracefully flip over starring at the ceiling. I stay in between the lanes and focus on my thoughts and breathing.

     7: Lesson learned. Don't lose yourself while trying to become him. What will you have once he's gone? Nothing, just a shell of your former self. Why become him? Didn't you want to be with him because he is the other different half of you? Aren't you afraid that he will lose interest once he sees you are not you? I would be.

     8: This past weekend Kate, my stepsister, and I openly talked about all the people who think I'm an idiot. A lot of people think I'm honestly stupid, these same people have no issue saying stuff about it. I am nowhere near stupid. I play around a lot, I act very goofily and I act very childlike when I'm with Kate. That doesn't make me stupid. These people talk to me as if I am uneducated. But I have to be smart to be in the same class as them so what does that say. I have to be either smart or really good at faking it. And that's bullshit because I don't cheat.

     9: Leave me alone. I do not care. Do not target me. I'll leave you alone if you leave me alone. I do not give two shits if you block me because guess what? I have a block button too! I know shocking. I'm so done with all this petty shit especially when I haven't done shit. Some of this shit is rude. Its invasive and has no clear connection to what you say you need the information. I don't understand people, I guess.

     10: I'm shutting down, closing off. Fuck everyone. I have one person that's never done shit. But I am tired of my life being a teen drama movie. For example, you trying to get back with an ex randomly they come up to you and kiss you. People see that go and tell your other ex who you had feelings for still at the time. Then he comes to you about and you denied things just to cry in his arms when shit goes down the drain. Oh, or the moment when you started to like someone so you start a make-out session with your then girlfriend so that way you can pretend like the feeling weren't there. Randomly crying in the bathroom because you got a text on your phone. Proposing to your best friend in front of the whole cafeteria for a good laugh. Yeah, it's one cool ass movie but it's really boring to watch.

Closed for Meetings,

Unknown