Please Understand Why

The Scientist

Dear Fellow Peers,

Ever want to do an experiment where you are sitting in between two people you care for (romantically). These two people without letting you know see which way you lean, as a which one you lean towards. Whichever person you lean towards is the one your heart wants. I don't know exactly what I mean by this. But, I read many studies on body language where you subconsciously lean towards the person you truly love. So, my brain made a little stupid highly flawed experiment.

I think it's really cool. Your body can tell people around you who you truly long and care for. Because yes, there is a lot of surface and fake love but that deep and meaningful love can only be seen through body language at times. Sometimes people notice that they lean or that are angled and try to adjust. It's really interesting. I find it sad that when people do find out information they try to switch position to cover up something real for something artificial. Something else is you would naturally walk in step with your true love. The scent of the person you love, their natural scent releases oxytocin's in the brain which in terms makes you happy. Overall you naturally are pointed to the one you truly love.

Next topic,

Shit

Noun, 4 letters, 1 syllable

A contemptible or worthless person

Can someone tell me if I have a sign that reads "Please treat me like shit" glued to my forehead? I'm not some toy. I can't be the thing you play with. I love you, I have told you numerous times before. But the coldness and lying hurt. Then you would disappear for hours leaving me confused and upset. I wanted your attention, I wanted you. I needed you. Did you want and need me too? No? I guessed so. Like normal, I was thrown away like garbage. Like I'm nothing. Am I really nothing? I'm so done. I feel like I put so much in, just to be treated like shit. That's not cool. I deserve to be treated nicely too, right?

I just, you see Brooke called things off and at the time I was okay. No big deal breakups happen, I'll be okay. I was also at Kate's house so I had her. I cried myself to sleep. I hurt so much. It was like a beautiful glass castle that we had built together, broke in an instance and fall to the ground at my feet; feeling the small glass shards pierce my hearts while tears pool at my eyes. How am I supposed to rule my kingdom without my queen? This whole week has been so confusing because at times I thought you did want me jealous and upset. Then you would tell me, you don't want to hurt me. Not knowing anything that's going on with you hurts me. The moment I said I will your girlfriend is the second, I was concerned and loyal. I want to know everything even if you think it's so dumb.

Today I need to talk to someone, someone other than Kate because even though I know Kate has my back and will always be there for me. I needed some else's intake. I talked to Chance. I started to speak and then I started to lose air, he reminded me to breathe and this happens a couple more times before I put my head in my hands and started to cry. I was shaking so bad and he brought me into a hug, which is what I needed. The only problem with that was my brain recognized him and was like "you're safe, release all emotions now!" I was trying my best to not full on have a sob fest more than I was. I was also crying because I thought Kate was mad at me and didn't want to speak to me, and it was all a lot. So, if Chance wasn't there for me, I would have lost it. He is so good to me. I mean we as friends to get to this point have been through hell. But he is too good, I appreciate and am so thankful for him.

In one of our conversations he told me that the scent of the person you love, their natural scent releases oxytocin's in the brain which makes you happy. Which is true, he asked who have I tested it on? I never gave him a true real answer, because I never wanted to say that it was him. I was scared. I mean I told him Kate but that's after he said, Kate. People are crazy, hell I'm crazy. I'm an emotional mess. I know this. I have put my poor heart through so much and now I'm trying to call it fucking science. But I am done, with being treated like shit, I'm not an experiment. I'm not something you can test yourself out on. I'm not a toy. I'm a person with feelings, a lot of them. I can't always end up with the short end of the stick. I'll lose my mind. I think I've lost my mind. But I can't keep putting myself in this position. Is it too much to ask for the same amount of love and attention back in return?

The Scientist,

Unknown