Please Understand Why

Her.

¤Major Trigger warning¤

      Five rings, two necklaces, a Christian metal bookmark, and two jewelry boxes, and $30.

       It all started in 6th grade there's an orchestra there was this new bass player she wasn't very liked and she was always teased. Naturally, I felt bad for her and I wanted to be her friend so that's what I did. I was nice to her no matter what other people said I wanted to be friends with her. Nobody should be bullied in my opinion. she was really nice at first, I didn't see any red flags. It wasn't until she started to like me in a way that I didn't like her. I had nothing against her she just wasn't my type and I only wanted to be friends. After a while, she started to call me names. I didn't really know how to deal with it especially since I was just figuring out that I like the presence of other girls. I thought it was harmless flirting you know like the type you do with your friends. She wanted to be my girlfriend but I told her no, it was nothing against her. I just didn't want to date especially since I was on and off with this one girl at the time. Shortly after she started to get really possessive nobody else was allowed to come near me during Orchestra. She moved her bass closer to me so that way our stools were almost touching. I asked her to move away so I could play but she never moved. Soon she started to claim me as her girlfriend and I started to get to picked on for dating the "ape girl". I wasn't dating her and I debunked all the rumors they never believed me because of how she was an orchestra. In orchestra, she'd always ask to go to the conductor's office because there are no cameras in there. She'd ask me to help her sort out music I always said yes because there was a lot of music. Then she started to give me rings she told me they were just gifts for my kindness because I sat there and listened to her when nobody else would help her. At first, I declined the Rings but then she would force the rings on to me, she would put them on my finger. I would always make sure to thank her.

        Seventh grade rolled around things started to get weird. She started to sit really close to me, and she wouldn't play the bass at all. Her hand started to wonder. At first, she just put them on my thighs and then they would go to my side. She told me how beautiful I was, and how soft my skin was. I always replied thank you and then I'd move her hand, and I asked her not to touch me. In the middle of the year, she finally made her way to the inner thigh. I was not okay with that and I asked her to move away. She said but you're my girlfriend, it's fine, I'll be gentle. I understood what she meant and I did not like it. I told her none of that was going to happen. One day towards the end of seventh grade, I was wearing leggings that day up our teacher was out so there was a substitute; so, we took out her instruments and we just laid them down because we didn't really play. I sat behind my bass which was a bad move because her hand started to wander into my area. I moved her hands and told her no. She persisted and said it'll be okay.

     In eighth grade, things got worse. She got mean instead of being nice like she used to. She kept giving me money and gifts and hopes that I would give her what she wanted a relationship. She wanted these favors during class that I did not want. She started to touch me more often, she touched my chest and I'd always move her hand away and tell her no. So her hands would move to my legs and my sides until finally, she touched me down there. Yes, it was through my pants but it was unwelcomed. I slapped her hands away and I told her not to do that. I didn't know what to think, I just felt violated, it felt wrong. when I told her no, she would always say you're not the boss, I'm in charge, you're my girl, you have no say. She started to get rough with me. I'm not a rough person. I didn't know how to handle it if I didn't do what she asked she would hit me in the face, she pulled my hair or she choked me. Then she'd asked me if I enjoyed that and I tell her no because I didn't. I only told my best friend I was scared of her. She scared me but I didn't know how to get out of it. She'd always make me feel guilty because I accepted the gifts but every time, I tried to give them back she wouldn't take them. She'd make me feel guilty by spilling her past and saying that she needed me to go on. I know I was stupid for continuing to stay around her but I felt like I had no choice. Orchestra was what linked us together.

      When Ninth grade hit, I thought I finally was getting a chance to get away from her. There'd be no more of her touching me. There would be no more of her hitting me. As we know I started dating Chance at the beginning of school. (Keep this in mind.) I had Aquatics which is a swimming class. Which requires us to wear swimsuits, which means we are practically naked/ she happened to also be in this class I didn't think anything of It. But, her behavior in the class we had later that day which was Orchestra showed me that I should have. She was still getting really close acting possessive and when I told her that I had a boyfriend it made it worse. Of course, I told Chance. I told him about her in general.

      In Aquatics when I was dressing out, she would get handsy and I told her to stop. She'd only do this when the other girls were out of the room so they didn't know about It. So nobody could help me. When we were swimming and it was free time she would always corner me into a corner away from everybody, on the far end of the pool and touch me through my swimsuit. I'd always go down to the bottom because I could swim better than she and I'd get away. She thought it was a fun game and it looks like we were playing a game of tag but that wasn't it. I was trying to get away from her. Things really got bad she was pulling my hair again, she was making me feel inferior. One day during the end of Aquatics I was changing out of my swimsuit and I told her to leave me alone. She didn't like that so she pulled my hair and pinned my hands. She touched me down there but instead of just touching the outside put her fingers in me. I spazzed I felt gross I don't like It. It didn't feel nice. I felt like I cheated. I didn't tell Chance about it. Or anyone for that matter. (Not that I can recall.) Sometime after that when I and he met up outside of a class, he hugged me and I burst into tears. I kept repeating that I was afraid of her, and I'm scared of what she might do to me. So he took me to the counselors and the principals to write out a report on her. He very supportive, and helpful and I'm thankful for that. she ended up telling the principal that we were just friends. Which completely canceled out everything that I said. she eventually quit Orchestra so I got away from her because we didn't have classes together. But every time we cross paths in the hall I still get a tiny bit of fear. Looking back, I can't believe I let that happened I can't believe I didn't stand my ground. I wish I had told someone sooner.

     The fact that all she had to say was we are just friends and that's how we play around bothers me. She did these types of things to me every day. She got away with making me terrified and gross. She got away with hurting me. Even though it may not seem like it, this is affecting me in all of my relationships. I can see that. I do this thing where I don't let my partner touch me at all, zero physical contact for periods of time. No matter how much I trust them, and I feel safe with them. I get scared that they will flip and it's a small thought in the back of my mind that causes that. I also ask my partners not to buy me things when they offer because I don't want to feel bought. I can never truly explain how she made me feel. The hurt, pain, disgust, sorrow. For four years straight because I was too scared to say anything. Please talk to someone and get help if you are in a similar position.

Her,

Unknown