Please Understand Why

Mr. & Mrs. Crazy

     How can you debate over something that has the smallest amount of probability of happening? It makes no sense. Why would I stress over that will never happen? There’s like 19 days until this stupid trip and the more I go to practice the move I hate going. I do not want to go. I do not want to be on a bus with these people. I still have this big feeling in my gut and it hasn’t gone away and I’m now nervous because major things did indeed happen. So that leaves me wondering what the fuck is bound to happen? I’m so stressed out. Really stressed. At home, I’m extremely anxious just by the fear of Dave walking in and yelling. Recently it’s either I don’t stop eating or I don’t eat at all. Which I normally eat a lot hello I don’t get called the “human garbage disposal” for no reason. But this is new like I've been eating more than normal and that’s odd. 

“I’m wearing my heart like a crown. Pretending that you’re still around.” 

I love 50’s music. The Great Pretender by The Platters is one of my favorites. I love the lyrics and vocals of the song. Singing this song while crying is the best combination. Music is my little outlet. Sometimes. Recently I’ve been so hyper. I get really hyper, to really sensitive, to really sad and repeat! Usually, I get sad at night or when I get home. At home, I feel trapped. Caged. Dave is so scary like really scary. He screams and screams and yells and slams things. I shouldn’t feel scared at home. He just yells at Jean I mean she gets back at him but he's nicer to me than he is to Jean and that’s fucked up. 

        I like to think I'm a dreamer. Deep down I believe I’m just crazy. I mean Miss Stupid and Mr. Fuckyou married. So, you would think that would bring me some sort of balance, nope. It has driven me crazy. I can tell that Miss. Stupid definitely wins when it comes to this. Which isn’t good. I need to stop worrying about a giant possible, I need to stop dreaming and wishing for something to happen that I know will never. Because every time I dream, I wake up hopeful just to be shot down! Recently my dreams at night have been vivid and colorful. So beautiful and then I wake up waiting for what happen while I was asleep to happen in my life. But it never does. I like to think I’m a very hopeful person. I dream big that’s for sure. I remember everything about my dreams and I would like to tell you all about it but I can't. What I will say is, I like to say I’ve grown throughout the year I’ve been undercover. But I haven’t, well at least in the way I would like. My heart still flutters and butterflies still erupts from within and I still get fucking all starry-eyed. Kate says I’ve got it bad. Somedays my heart pounds and aches and others I can’t help but smile big and wide and feel all giggly so fuck me. I have to remind myself that’s not my place and I need to chill. Like majorly chill. So I came to some truths and I learned some other things. 

     So I’ve had this crush on one person for a while. You see I thought they were cool and shit before I liked Chance. But then I was dating chance and just never thought of this person and then I and this person were friends and shit but they were in a relationship and I was bouncing around person to person. But recently I've talked to them like really talked to them. And I learned we have a lot in common and we both can hold a conversation. We just kind of click in a way. I haven’t with someone in a while. It's nice to be able to be calm and really click with someone again. I was talking to my mother about it and she said I needed to be careful. But if I feel it’s right, she’s going to support me and protect me from Dave.

Mr. & Mrs. Crazy,
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