Please Understand Why

The Old Me

Dear Anyone,

            I know, that me wanting to sit down and talk to Chance and Rachel probably seems a bit odd weird. Also, I think I just want to talk to both of them face to face be friends. because all school work and family stuff took its toll now that I think about it. I'm fine with them as a unit. And once I'm with and around them. I'm not anxious I'm happy. It's just the thought of going up to them that makes me anxious. I want to have a talk with Rachel and Chance by together or by their self. I think that would be a good thing. I know, I shouldn't want to talk to him and I know I shouldn't want to be in his presence. But, I can't help it. It's like if I know he is not okay. I want to be there to help him out in the best possible way I can. But, then he will confuse me and send me mixed signals making even more anxious than I already am on a daily basis. I know I think about him way too much and I am still too close to him. but, it fills a need that I have to be close and near him. I may not be "in love" with him but that still doesn't mean my love for him isn't strong. Loving him is like trying to figure out a large puzzle or put lemon in an open wound. It's confusing and painful. it makes you want to fly away preferably into his arms. but, he has a new girl. And, he seems happy with her. I'll let him be happy and sallow anything I feel for him. I do know I am the best ex ever though. OR I'm crazy because what ex would still text and talk to them to help out with a problem or issue they have. Not many. Only after everything he has put me through. I shouldn't want to talk or even look at him. I can't wait for tomorrow to be confident and step out of the box. but I'm also so nervous. But excited. it's crazy how much My brain goes in circles. I can't help but love him. I know I shouldn't but, I still get really happy when he texts. but, then again, I can't bring myself to talk to him in person and everything I see him I want to get the hell out of viewing line. but now he is talking to me now more than ever before and it's scary but I like it. it's like I wish I had the balls to go and talk to him but I'm good with just texting him. I'm happy I can still be a part of his life even if it's just as a friend. I did just recently 'friend-zone' him. I called him "buddy," I think I did that to just help myself but it kinda hurt. I honestly don't know anymore, it's like I do still love him but in love is questionable. Maybe we did talk in person it could make things better. I've also started this thing where I don't text or talk to him if I know Rachel is active. I don't want to talk to him when I know he's talking to her. I'm also scared that he is screenshotting our conversation and sending it to her. I mean I know she is his girlfriend but I don't really want her to know what we were talking about, filling her in at least, maybe a summary would be okay. if I ever found out somehow that she got screenshots of our conversation. I'm actually going to be done. or maybe not because let's be honest it's me. he could say come scrub my feet and I'll probably end up doing it. But, all of this is old feelings towards them. Things have changed kind of. For the most part I don't feel the same way. But this is all for now.

The Old me,

Unknown