Please Understand Why

God, Help me

    Today was a mess. My mother had to go to the hospital for a procedure but wasn’t even able to have it be done because of how high her blood sugar was.

      Apparently, according to my grandfather, it was over 800 so high that the hospital readers couldn’t recognize it. I was at home the whole time because of my dizziness has came back. So, I was bed bound. Plus, yesterday I had my birth control implanted so my arm is bruised and in a shit ton of pain but that’s a different story for later. 

     As of today, my dad got the call from my grandfather saying my mother needing to stay in the hospital and she was currently in the ER. So, we rushed to get ready and get Jean before going to her where my grandfather would meet us in the waiting room. Grandpa and dad spoke before my grandpa looked at me be and asked why I didn’t go to school today. I told him what I always say I was dizzy and lightheaded with an upset stomach, he just nodded his head at me. The sad part is I know he doesn’t believe me and is upset with me. I got a message from my grandmother that read

What’s going on with you?

Whatcha mean?

I heard you didn’t make it to school

Oh yeah. I don’t feel well

What does that mean? I hate that you have missed SOOOO much school

I don’t feel good, as an dizziness and upset stomach, and a pounding headache

Ugh. Girl, you have got to pick up a healthy lifestyle. But I am totally aware that people do not feel it’s necessary until they’re in really bad shape.

Okay

      That conversation sucked. But when my grandpa hugged me, he said He loved me and that my grandma was about to lose her mind with me. He also told Jean she needed to start coming home after school to check on her before going anywhere after that he left. At this point, we know nothing about mom. Once grandpa leaves Jean, dad, and I go back to mom’s room where we see her hooked up to a multitude of machines and wires. Dad speaks to her while Jean and I just stand her. Mom was too out of it to understand so why would Jean and I speak. Jean started to tear up and cry which caused a lump to form in my throat, naturally, I pulled her in and held her. I never want to cry during times like this because I always want to be strong for Jean. This time it was harder. I watched and listen to dad speak to mother with such a soft, gentle, hurt tone, it caused my heart to break. No matter how many fights they had this man loved her and seeing her in this hurt him. It was as clear as a fortune teller’s ball, and the evidence was in his tone.  

     They ended up moving mother up to ICU for the night which is where she currently is. Once at ICU, she was making funny faces and she even poked the poor nurse in the stomach. Mother keeping bending her arm which would cause an alarm to go off, dad kept telling mom to straighten her arm which mom responded with “force me.” She was trying to get up and undress and after a while of correcting her dad had reached his limit and said it was time to go home. He pushed her hair out of her face and gently caressed her face before kissing her forehead and told us to come on. I could tell he was hurting. I had shut off my emotions. It was easier this way. I didn’t want to be touch unless I asked for it. My mother was my weak point. But so were my grandparents with their approval and words. Knowing both were attacked hurts. I wanted to cry. I wanted to call and text people I shouldn’t even think about. I just wanted more comfort. 

     My head was pounding and once we got home I made dinner for Jean and I. Afterwards I tried to relax and that didn’t work. Go figure. I ended up feeling anxious, restless, I wanted to scream and cry. I’ve fucked up so much. But to stick on track, I tried to relax and that didn’t work. But tomorrow we’ll go see mom and hopefully, she can come home.

      Now as for yesterday. Yesterday when we got there it was really scary because they just started laying out things there's like scissors and a giant machine that looks like a piercing gun. But what ended up happening is the nurse numbed up my arm was the whole time while doing it she was like “I know this hurts ouchie ouchie ouchie okay okay” like I'm fine the more you say ouch is the more I'm going to think it hurts. she was looking for a good place to place for the birth control. She made me flex my arms and then she said:

“wow your arms are really strong what do you do” so, I said:  

“color guard” and she was like: 

“oh yeah, you do.”  

     First of all, that’s a little creepy. But then she couldn't find a squishy enough part I guess so she made me unflex and then she was able to find the correct place to put it. Then it was time to actually insert the birth control which was really scary and I was already nervous but, she pulled out this piercing gun which had a gigantic needle on it those are super thick and she just shoved it into my arm waiting for a second and pulled it back out, and said “you're all done.”  I didn't feel that which I'm thankful for but seriously all that dramatics for nothing. She had me feel it like feel the rod that was now in my arm it felt weird because like I had a rod in my arm. She bandaged it all up and told me all the basics. When I woke up in the morning there was a giant bruise where the rod end and there was a banded where the rod began, so I was in pain the next morning my whole upper bicep hurts. It hurts to keep my arm straight but when I bend it like how she had it me when she inserted it, doesn't hurt.  I'm guessing that's because that's how it was implanted but I just hope the pain goes away Because I didn't sign up for this.

    I fuck up a lot. These past months I've gone completely off my rocker. Making questionable decision but I'm not going into that because I don’t want to think about it. One thing I know is I don’t realize the way I affect people. I also am completely aware I'm a sucky girlfriend, I know this because I’m terrible at telling them things that are going on with me. I don’t think about it because I just naturally don’t talk. This is caused by I never want to think about something more than I already am. But in the process of me not talking about the things that are bothering/ hurting me. I believe I'm hurting them which is/was never my goal. Kate has told me so so many times, I needed to talk to Nickie more, let them in more. Kate even said I needed to hang out and spend time with them. I know all of these are true. I know I am very wishy-washy. I get scared or upset and I put distance between my partner and I believe that me doing this would be the best for them. 

     God, I fucking suck. I’m so done. Honestly, I want to either fry my brain or relapse. God my body feels like it’s on fire! Dear God! I can’t breathe! Everyone is so loud! The room is getting smaller! Fuck! Help me! Ahh! God!! UGH! It’s so hot! How do you crawl out of your own skin?!

God, Help me,

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