Please Understand Why

Mutt abuse

Dear Casey,

      I wish I knew what I did wrong. Why are you yelling at me? I thought I did what you ask. Somedays you scream orders at me back to back confusing me. Which one do you want me to do first? Why treat me like this? And, when it's not done you yell at me. So white plus black equals me. Which as my parents like to call me, "Oreo child", "mutt", "mixed baby", etcetera. I think it's because I hold a lot of the weight around the family, I get held to higher standards which means I get in trouble lot more. Sometimes I feel caged, trapped like a puppy when its owner is away at work. It's crazy to think about how much people have beat me down.

      Why? Why do you yell at me and tell me I'm not doing enough when I spend all my waking moments aiding to you. All then when I start crying and screaming that I'm this way because of you. That there is nothing more that I can do. you look guilty and then you comfort me apologizing. I lose my mind trying to please and take care of you. All you do is bark orders at me and tell me what I'm doing wrong. After a while, all I can think of is what I'm doing wrong. I start to lose myself thinking I can't do any better.

     I've tried talking to you but it's hard when all I get is a foreign language you made up back in response. I feel like the world is swallowing me whole and all you care about is if I'll make you food. How come whenever I want to do something I can't. But if Jean wants to something, she can. Jean doesn't do shit for anyone but complain and act like she's better than everyone.

        Everything is always taken from me. My plans are always ruined. My life is always being put on the backburner because of you. I love you, I really do but at some point, I have to say enough is enough. Also ill be out of the house is 2 years if I'm lucky. What are you going to do when I'm gone? Because at the moment things can't get done without me. I don't know how much longer I can do this. It's stressful. I want to live a little. If everything going on around me I thought about relapsing again. I mean as long as you don't see them, you would never know. Sadly, I promise Chance I won't do anything, and in return, he would stay clean as well. So here I am itching to do something when I know that I would regret in the long run.

        I miss our late night talk, our bond. I miss knowing I could go and talk to you at any time and you would be there. Now when you force me to talk to you I can't get a sentence in before you fall back to sleep due to all the opioid base medicines you're on. It gets sad because that's not the woman I looked up too, not the lady I wanted to be. It hurts. I'm just tired of the constant yelling and crying and issues.

Mutt Abuse,

Unknown