Please Understand Why

For the Disconnected

     Being back home has shown me that I did heal somewhat while I was away. I say somewhat because I’m not shaking in my shoes 99% of the day. I’m not at a place of peace by any means I'm just working. Some days I feel more connected to myself than others. So, this one is for the disconnected. The ones who don’t understand what to do. The ones who can’t think straight. The people who feel unattached to everyone they care about on certain days.

      I know some days are horrible. I here to say those days won’t be every day. Even though you feel unattached and distant that’s when you should pull them closer. Find a grounding. When you start to lose your shit, look towards your grounding. Stare at your grounding and take deep breaths until you are able to A: continue while being in semi-sound mind or B: have calmed down and are able to go on. Find out what triggered you. Then trying to fix why it bothered you if that’s possible or avoid what bothered you. None of this is easy, I know. It could help.

      A lot of my issues are base because of the people around me. As example currently, I feel terribly uncomfortable in my swim class. But I know I love swimming. Swimming laps brings me a sense of relief and also allows me to think as I hold my breath. I also am aware that I will loosen up and become more confident once I successfully shut down my thoughts long enough to just push myself to my hardest. I set goals one of them is to swim as good as the swim team guys in my class. Swimming is a peaceful thing. The class its self is actually really good. I am aware that it will take a lot of work and a lot of time. But I know I got it. 

     Coming back and being connected to my problems have been, something. Nickie and I had a talk about excluded Kate from our problems because it’s you and I. We also talked about how I don’t want to be touched or kissed because it’s icky. I understand why I feel this. I threw myself into things I don’t believe I was ready for completely. I don’t regret anything. It’s just the thing with William and the guys. For a while I was texting guys who I did not know nor did I want to get to know. I regret that. Out of everything that’s the one thing that brings me to tears. I lost my self-worth. I was throwing myself around, treating my body like its nothing. For why? Because I wanted the attention. I wanted that validation. I do not want that no more. I do not want anything. I feel gross, dirty, vile and that’s how I probably should feel after treating myself like that. I am done. Completely I sleep. I text only Kate and Nickie. I do not let anyone touch me anymore. I do not kiss anyone anymore. I keep to myself in all aspect now. Just thinking about brings a gross and disgusting feeling over me. Yuck. 

      New Year's Eve instead of playing dominos grandma and I looked at old photos of Casey, and of her and grandpa. And wow! My grandparents could have been models. My grandfather had bright hazel eyes, high, and a strong jaw. He was a dirty blonde with board shoulders sparkly straight teeth that shined behind his wide smile. There was a lot of photos were he was being goofy and then there was a lot where he had his feet kicked up and he was wearing his hat and the same glasses he wears today. Those photos made my heart happy. Then the photos of grandma shocked me. She had high cheekbones and full thick blonde hair. There was a photo of her sitting on the beach and her legs were tone and she was smiling brightly. The only thing looked as if it could have come out of a magazine. It’s shocking to see those types of things. But it makes me appreciate these people a lot more in a way.
What I had planned to write and what I actually am are very different in a sense. So here what I wrote first. Granted I do not remember what I wrote so we can look back together. 

“Unreachable Part 2

Being here miles away from brings me a sense of peace it’s always been that way. I have two more days of “recovery” left. Then I have go home and see how well I actually recovered. That’s nerve-wracking.  I don’t know what to say. I guess I know I’m not taking anyone’s shit. I’m done with that. I’ve always been the butt of the joke, the center of the over shoulder comments. But not anymore. I am to the age where I should be sticking up for myself. It’s about me, now. Cross me and you're gone. I’m not doing this back and forth shit anymore.”

       That’s all I had. I don’t know what else I had to say. I was so scattered brain and I kind of still am. I can’t really get my head under control. I know that when I'm anxious this vein on the Opponens pollicis region reason of my hand. My hands start to shake and then I notice the vein and instantly become annoyed because this shit is relentless. Re-lent-less, I tell ya. Since I’ve been home, I've been waking up sad, blasting music. That’s just how it is. 

      Things are just odd at the moment. I don’t really talk to anyone. I talk to Kate and that’s it. It keeps me out of the drama. Thankfully. Next week Color Guard starts next week.  I’m thankful that not all the guard girls will be there. I do not want to see them sadly there about 3 that will be there that like to talk a lot of shit about me. Stupid cunts.  Some do this talking while standing 5 feet away from me. I don’t speak horribly about them but yet I'm the bad guy. Okay, girl, whatever you say. I’ll stay civil and to myself because honestly, I rather be home. Nickie will be there not, even though that won’t help me because of the friend group issue. But we’ll see. Ciao.

For the Disconnected,
Unknown