Please Understand Why

Love Day Blah

Dear Mr. Fuck you,

       So, Valentine's day is actually tomorrow. This chick is single once again which means a day of pj's and thinking about all the people I love. It wasn't eventful this year and for that I am thankful, I ate ice cream and went to rehearsal and that was the end of it. Yet, as the good person I am. We will go over some lovey-dovey shit.

     I know that I want love. At some point. I want a beautiful relationship. I want to marry a man who will treat me good. Yes, I meant to say man. As much as I love being with a female. Bitches be crazy. I also could never see myself walking down the aisle to wed a girl. Who knows though, maybe some stunning lady will take my breath away and marry me. Kate pointed out to get people interested I actually have to open up and talk to people. Well, you see that's the problem. I don't talk to people or the people I do talk too, we have an interest issue. Lots of people my age like sex. I do not want to have sex. Intimacy isn't gross to me anymore but I just don't want anybody that close to me and my blubber, no thanks.

     I want to talk to you, like really talk. Like we used too. I don't want small funny comments and small talk. I want a conversation, I want depth and I know I'm asking for too much. I'm just wishing upon stars at this point. I don't want to get upset thinking again. On a different note, I have been good mentally, really good actually. I actually had my first meeting with my therapist, she's really nice and hopefully, she'll be able to help with my anxiety and depression, maybe help me manage it better. I have been doing better, it's probably because of me swimming but, my dizziness has gotten worse. But I get it checked soon and that's what I'm waiting and hoping for.

      I have a gut feeling. A deep gut feeling that something is going to happen. I have no idea whether it is centered around my trip or its bound to happen in the near future. My gut feelings haven't proven me wrong, but they have proven that this big thing I'm feeling doesn't always happen to me but instead happens to the people around me. This feeling feels big and bad. Something big and something bad is going to happen, I think. And I don't like it. I still do not want to go on this trip and when I say this, I get but you've already paid for it. I know. Fuck me. The thing is I wanted to go, but now I don't.

I'm going to be honest, in color guard I hate the fucking song, it's so stupid. I hate the routine. And I hate the makeup choices, which shouldn't matter to me because I have to do my own makeup because this girl gets styes but! I am very passionate about makeup. I like to think I'm good at it. So, if we all have to do the same makeup that into consideration everybody's skin tones, what we're wearing and the flag silk. Since our shits going to be rainbow and the silk will be colorful why would we distract the attention away for that and put color on our eyes? Also, if everybody else has to get their makeup done by one person make sure you know how to do the look before you offer it up. You are about to attempt looks that professional have issues with so what the fuck are you doing. God, I'm heated. I also think it's a waste for people how don't wear makeup to go out and buy a color that they will wear one time.

     I hate the song because it a slow and meaningful song and bitches made the routines fast. I also hate the song in general. The coach hates the song! Why are we doing a song about breakups when the person who chose it is in an (I believe and hoping) good relationship. I mean the other choose was just as bad but why would someone who's in a relationship choose a sad and depressing song about a breakup? I'm- ugh I hate everything. I have so many issues with all of this and I can't say a word because then I am the person who can't get rid of my anger and I have a personal vendetta. I have no vendetta, I am using good logic and thinking with my brain and shit is not adding up. So, no. If what I heard was right about you hating how the old captains acted when they had the power now why are you acting the same way trying to possibly become captain? This is going to be a long week. I need to shut up now before I get myself into trouble.

     Recently, my brain hasn't been able to put out any proper thoughts. The only time I can focus is when I'm pissed. It takes so long to write anything. I always have the words at the edge of my mind ready to spill over but they never come out. I can never focus because my brain is actually everywhere. It makes me seem like I'm not there all the way, a bit drafty you could say. I get lost in my head and I just stay there because it's safe no one can hurt me. I talk to myself a lot most the time when I am spaced out, I'll be thinking of a made-up world that is perfect that I could live in. I make my own life problems and have arguments. Everything is literally just the way I imagined it. What more could you ask for?

Love day Blah,

Unknown