Please Understand Why

Friends?

                Have you ever just cried your eyes out because you miss what someone used to be to you? I do. Sometimes I just cry because I miss the people that are around me. But that doesn't make sense how can you miss somebody who you see all the time. I miss what they were to me. What they were before everything. The way they looked at you or the way they went out of their way to get your attention. Now you're a stranger trying to coexist and be friendly when there is so much history behind a single look, you give each other. 

              This year has been a shit storm. I'm already done with school. Every day with marching band/ color guard I seem to find out more information that I didn't need to know. Every day I left hurt and pissed. I hate everyone in guard except one girl. That's because she isn't fake or a bitch. But I'm civil. It felt nice to see certain people. it made me so happy to see them. Others I'd pray that I'd get shot in the foot so I didn't have to see them anymore. The first day of band camp went there with my heart pounding. Thinking about having to see Chance again. I mean I saw he texted me but I had removed him from everything. So, I just read his messages and declined contact with him. The day before he texts me saying how he missed talking to me and how I removed him from Snapchat and Messenger. So, I told him I also removed him from Instagram as well. Then I ask if he really missed talking to me or was he just bored? After a long conversation about him wanted to be friends. I told him, we can be friends because avoiding him would be harder than talking to him. Then he went on about not wanting to hurt anyone. So, in the end, all I said was "Friends?" The whole conversation should have been just that.

           I'm tired of the apologizing and going back and forth. I have so many words but not enough time to say them. I have many words but if I speak it will fall on deaf ears. But no matter what's I seem in the same spot. Except now it's like we're learning each other from a different perspective. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe but then again, my head is always underwater. Color guard does nothing to calm my nerves. Not to mention I'm always reminded of the past. In the past two days, I've been asked if I enjoyed the more heated moments between us by my exes. It's weird like what am I supposed to say or react? How do you just ask a person something like that out of the blue? For one I dodged the question when he said: "I like how you didn't disagree with me being terrible." So, I simply replied, "No, no it was cool and fun." Which was honest but I was glad that wasn't in person. Unlike when my ex-girlfriend asked me if I liked something, right in front of five other people. All I could do is stare at her and bite the inside of my cheek while pressing my tongue against it. I was blushing and she was just smiling away. So calmly I looked her in the eye and said: "Of course I did, I loved it." Before jumping back into the rest of the group's conversation.   

                Yet sadly I know this is only the beginning. This marching season is going to be interesting.

Friends,

Unknown