Please Understand Why

Unreachable

¤Not edited at all¤

       We all know I’ve gone and  lost my mind. So this winter break I’ve decided it would be best for me to just go into hermit crab mode. The whole winter break I haven't seen or been going out with anyone. I’ve stayed to myself, it's for the best. I’ve been so anxious to the point where I find my head in the toilet bowl every night. I get no sleep and when I do there nightmares. This break is supposed to help me better myself so I don’t lose my mind. I still don’t know the causes of anxiety, but I know it's there.

     I know I don’t allow or accept happiness . I tend to push it away. Why? I think its because I get happy it always get taken away from me. One thing I wish I could enjoy is Christmas. I could never bring myself to be happy about it. Every year bad, mean, angry things happen the week of Christmas. The 23rd I sat in the backseat and listen to my father call my mother “ fucking slow”, a “ stupid ass motherfucker”, then he proceeded to ask her if she was “fucking retarded”. Words spit so harsh and full of angry. Every year I have to clean my room just to be kicked out of it for my step sister to take over. Every year Dad magically becomes this awesome dad because he wants to look good in front of his daughters. Its disappointing. I learned to love those nights I was forced to sleep in Jean's room. I would wait for her go to sleep after convincing that Santa wouldn’t come if she didn’t go to sleep. I would lay there playing with her hair, caressing her cheek, pulling her closer to me and just staring. At the moment I felt like I could protect her. I would just cry because I wanted better things for her. There were many nights where I cried for her. I know that I cant coddle her, that I need to let go and allow her to make her own mistakes. So that way she can learn and grow. She needs her own mistakes. This is a hard task for me. She like my daughter and I want to protect her even though she's major cunt.
      
        Every now and again I notice I can be very emotionally unavailable. I throw my emotions everywhere except where they should be. I went into school thinking I’m going to stay single and focus on my education. Well this year alone I’ve been in six relationships. One being more of a intimate encounter but still that’s a lot. None of which lasted more than a week if my memory serves me well.

       I’ve never been afraid to kiss someone, to touch, or get intimate with another. I always thought “why the hell not?”  I do things and regret nothing. That’s how I like to live. Do it and regret nothing afterwards. Things changed. I’m scared to kiss someone. I don’t want to touch or get that close to anyone. I don’t want people to touch me. I over hear a lot of things. Lots of which leave the mouth of someone who I wish would keep it to themselves. I do not want to hear about sex. Or things like it. I don’t want to hear about intimacy. My brain has seemed to place intimacy and the feeling of disgust together. I will talk about sex playfully because my friends know me as a dirty minded child of god but damn. I cant even blame my disgust on a bad experience. All I have is good memories. I guess, I’m disconnected in both aspects. Emotionally and intimately. I'm terrified.

       I'm not going to that lock-in, fuck that shit. Spring break I'm going to be hundreds miles away from home. Alone. Just me. No family, no Kate. Just me. I’m so scared, I want to go for the experience but I don’t want the people. I don’t trust anyone enough to cling and be in like a fun group with. I mean Nickie will be there but hell. I don’t know about that I mean we're still good. I just don't know. Hell I don’t even tell them what’s wrong. How the fuck are we supposed to basically live near each other. Nickie and I have been together alone once. We're hung out a total of twice. The other time was a concert for her brother and her family was sitting right next to us. Kate says we need to hang out a lot more. My mom says we should hang out and that I was over Chance's and he was over my house all the time. My rebuttal is always “and so what?” I always get back “you need to hang out more”. I know what I need to do. My family mostly my step sister will say remember when “ Chance and you…” or “I remember when you were talking about Chance and…” Yes I remember too! I know what happened but if you could kindly just not say his name that would be great. I have nothing against his name. I just can't say it. I say in replacement “What’s his nuts" it works plus I don’t need to be reminded of what we were. Since he isn’t active in my life. If I need need him. He's there and he watches Snapchat story but other than that we don’t speak or interact and that’s okay.

Um, okay next topic.

      I’ll be getting my piercing soon finally Casey was supposed to pay for it as a birthday gift but  she never did so since I have some money I'll just buy it my damn self. I just bought six books and I couldn’t be happier about that. I get to swim next semester which could either be my favorite class or least favorite. It depends. I want to get me right. I think I'm a good ass person, I just need a little help displaying it at times. I want to be a Queen. With my crown on, I want to be strong. I want to be that bitch again. Maybe then and only then. Will I be me.

Part 2

    I now understand why I was so upset. I was insecure. I discovered and felt new feelings I never knew existed. I was upset because I gave so much (it was always given back). But, I did so many things that I guess just shocked me once things were over. I’m glad to say I’ve come to terms with things truly. End of story, right? Ha, nope. He was just the beginning. A beautiful beginning, he helped me find myself. He gave me the stepping stones I never knew I needed to grow, learn, love and find peace. I still have a lot to learn and experience.

     So my story will not end here. Not yet. I would have never guessed my beginning would have started with a set of gorgeous hazel eyes, stunning smile, tomato red blush, and a blue pair sunglasses. A beginning full of love, smiles, hearty laughs, fears, and painful tears. To me that sounds like a wonderful beginning. I appreciate him a lot more than I chose to give myself credit for  and a lot more than I could write. Kate also had a major hand in my new found beginning. She still helps guides me through things I get lost with. My love for that girl is unconditional and she knows that. I used to hate feeling. Like I never wanted to feel. I’ve come to the fact that I hate feeling, but then I would harm myself too feel. I learned I just didn’t want to feel that certain feelings. Very wishy washy of me but oh well.

Unreachable,
Unknown