Walking Forward to the Beginning (Book 5)

Honesty

***Not a poem. Just a note about how I'm feeling right now.***

Everyone thinks I'm doing well, but I'm not. I just don't talk about it. It isn't the ME; things are just not going well. I'm both alone and lonely, still dealing with repercussions of the hyperthyroidism issue, I haven't really started looking for work because I'm unsure I'm truly ready and something always happens. I can't read because of reader's block and I can't write books because I'm so busy with school, my creativity has no time to flow. I'm losing opportunities to do the simple things I love. That's like stripping away someone's identity. And sticking an extrovert into a fully introverted life is a hard pill to swallow; it's like going fully backwards a couple of decades. I never had a group of friends to hang out with; just a couple here and there. Everyone is so spread out. I miss being able to get together with people regularly, not once a month or 3. Though many know this, I've grown out of the tristate area. NYC will always be my city but I don't feel like I belong there anymore either. I just want to not be alone anymore, I want to feel loved....need to feel it. I sometimes feel I'm losing my capability for loving and I'm a nurturer. A lot of what I say sometimes is just a facade because people are so used to me being the fixer, the comedian, the helper, the warrior, they can't see beyond that, how lonely I really am because I seldom ask for anything except prayers. Giving up isn't an option so don't think that route. Never entered my mind, period. I'm not really sure where I was going with this post...just wanted to be honest. Today at 34 months in, I feel I can say this and get it out into the open. Being honest is important; firstly with yourself and then with others. It means you've accepted what's going on and are ready to talk about it as I am doing now. Since practically no one here ever asks how I'm doing (I can count the ones who do on one hand), figured I'd just let folks know and they can take away what they want or don't want. Responses aren't required, feel free to keep scrolling. Thanks for reading, if you do. 🌺