The Distance Between Us

Track Ten - My Immortal

Two people, standing in a room full of beds, hugging each other... A hand, placing a ring on the fingers of another... "Ab tumhe mujhse koi alag nahi kar sakta... "Armaan! She shouted, coming in between the bullet and him...

"BASKET! Armaan cried, as he finally woke up from a fitful sleep. He was drenched in sweat and he was crying, his breathing heavy.

He hadn't had this nightmare in months. In fact, since the wedding date had been fixed, all his nightmares were focused on the day that he'd found out that Jaanhavi had run away from home. He supposed that seeing Riddhima for the first time in 7 years had triggered this.

He absolutely hated this. In all these years, he'd grown accustomed to waking up from nightmares every single night, but even after so many years, this one still shook him to the core. Reliving that day, watching Riddhima take the bullet for him, not knowing whether she was going to live or die... It was too much. And, it seemed to be the only nightmare that had such vivid detail. When he dreamt about the night he'd found Tamanna in her house or when he'd had to deliver Rahul with the news that his father had passed away or when he remembered the day Bua Maa had died, it was never so clear. The images had blurred over the years, even though Tamanna's memory was only 4 years old. He didn't remember everything that had happened then. But, the night of the shootout was still a clear, perfect memory in his mind. And he always woke up when Riddhima was hit with the bullet, screaming Basket at the top of his lungs. Even all these years of therapy had been unsuccessful of ridding him from these.

He sighed and made his way out of the room, knowing that sleep was out of the question now. He could have had another sleeping pill, but he'd taken his recommended dosage when he'd gone to sleep earlier and he didn't want to overdo it. If Tamanna found out that he'd had sleeping pills not once but twice in one night, she'd skin him alive. He knew Tamanna hated that he relied on those damn pills to put him to sleep every night and he didn't particularly like depending on them himself, but just couldn't go to sleep on his own. When he'd tried for a few days, he'd become a walking zombie due to lack of sleep within 4 days. After that, he never went without.

He sighed. Leaving Riddhima alone had come with a hefty price. One he was still paying all these years later in the form of his health. The panic attacks started again, he started having trouble sleeping, the pesky nightmares kept him awake at night. All this since he'd left Mumbai and Riddhima behind. At least he was alive and breathing, he quipped to himself. And, he had an amazing family - Jaan, Tammy and Rahul. And of course, his extended family - Ma, Dad, Rohan, Shailee Di, Jiju & Vedika. He wouldn't have found them if he hadn't come here. He wouldn't have found Jaan again. And, he wouldn't have ever thought of coming here if he'd never left Riddhima behind. So, he owed her a thank you, Armaan supposed. It was because of her and her choices that he'd left Mumbai, come to New York and found Jaan. Found his life. This amazing, beautiful life, full of loving, caring and the most supportive people he could ever dream of.

As always, he needed the reassurance that Riddhima was okay. It was his thing. Whenever he woke up from a nightmare, he would always need to make sure that the person it was about was safe and sound. Not in any danger. When he'd dream about the shootout, he'd stay awake for hours later, unable to make sure that Riddhima was still fine. He'd play with his phone, twisting it in his palm, wanting to dial Riddhima's number to make sure she was fine. He'd even punched the number into his phone a couple of times, the digits committed to his memory forever, but hadn't been able to muster the courage to actually press the dial button. It was nights like these that were the hardest. He'd spend hours roaming about the house, willing himself to believe that Riddhima was okay, that she was fine. Looking at the time, he'd think about what she might be doing. Maybe she'd be at Sanjeevani, on rounds or performing a surgery. Maybe she was out on a lunch date with Sid. Maybe she was visiting her parents. He would remember her face - happy and so in love with him and smile. But, that had been ages ago. She hadn't been the same when he'd left. The smile had left her eyes and she walked hunched, as if she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. Many a time, he'd wanted to just pull her in a tight hug and tell her that it would all be okay and he would always be there for her, even if it was just a friend. He hadn't ever been able to do so. Today, he remembered the last time they'd talked in vivid detail. Her tears as she finally let him go, the forced smile on her face in an attempt to reassure him she was fine when they both knew she wasn't, and her promise to try and make a happy life.