The things I think of when I'm alone

What I know about trying

When I have really wanted something, I've done all I can to make it happen. I've been burned for the effort and sometimes rewarded.

I know what it means and when the effort doesn't attain something or isn't reciprocated, you realize you "need" to stop trying because no, things don't change just because one individual wants them to, they don't change on thought either. Which is also why I tend to lose interest or fail when I don't want something, I'm not invested enough to care even if its something beneficial.

I don't truly want anything anymore besides the end.

so I'm "coasting" because what else am I going to do? I maintain some self care mostly to avoid unpleasantness or the sake of others.

I pester people about teaching me something because I know I'll need it. I'm just going through the motions for the most part.

I have no one to blame but myself for tying me here. Reasons to stay don't change the fact I don't want to.

So I'm making my own compromises to make this more bearable. If its harmful, so be it. I've said it before, I'm not a martyr for anything and I don't believe in suffering for its own sake if I can at least stop some of it.

It really doesn't matter in the end.

I'm dead inside.

I've been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts for eleven years now. I try to shun the outside world as much as possible because I thought that it would be easier than the loss and pain that come from relationships with people, but I'm not sure that loneliness is something that's any easier to live with. I think about killing myself every day, but it's been 3 months since my 15th failed attempt. Part of me still wants to believe that there's a reason I'm still here, but I can't seem to no matter how much I might want to. Most people just don't get how you can lose hope. They can't understand the darkness gnawing at my soul. I go on instagram and just looking at some posts makes me depressed.

Sometimes people direct message me and I just stare at them and wonder; What the hell do I even have to say? "Hi. My life sucks the high hard one, but it sure makes me feel GREAT that you're all doing so well. I want to scream. I want to be angry that the only person in my life whoever made me feel whole just moved away and is incredibly happy. But I can't.

Truthfully, I'm glad for them, but it makes me feel even more like an outsider. I see the world around me and the people taking part in it, but I just sit by and wait for it all to end. To be honest, after dealing with these feelings for this long, I'm no longer sure if I'll ever actually kill myself or not, but at times like this I sure as hell still feel like just getting it over with.

At least I would be doing SOMETHING other than just waiting to die. Just remembering what it felt like to feel loved is like torture because I no longer believe I'll ever feel that again. I miss those moments when it seemed like love could fix my broken soul. Moments that I actually feel content. Unfortunately, all things must end eventually and I'm good at making damn sure of that. I'm really good at pushing people away. Anyone that gets too close to me gets a taste of my abandonment issues, so the only person I can really blame for being alone is myself. I think it's just me torturing myself. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I honestly wish that no one else in the world feels this way. I wish that everyone could be one of the shiny happy people, but I'm sure that too many people out there that feel this emptiness.

A/N:

Some of you probably feel as dead inside as I do, and my heart goes out to you if you do. I hope you have better luck fighting your demons than I have.

- Hazelle