Carter's pov.
I shut my hotel room door and lean against it. My breathing is heavy and it feels like all the walls are closing in. I slid down to the floor an bury my face into my hands.
I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I've become this monster. I tell myself to stop and to just be normal, but it isn't that easy. Every time I see her it hurts even more.
Jodie is this ball of light in my life, She's like a fairy, sprinkling her happiness and just lifting me up off my feet. She betters me. Now I've pushed her away, I'll never get her back.
My dad was this strong man, his mind was set and he had a stern look about him. He always loved schedules. Working his perfect nine to five. He always taught me how to look at a situation with all perspectives. I guess I've forgotten how to do so. My dad was also a glimmer of light in my life. That light is gone. My dads dead.
Thinking the words completely makes me break. I let the tears flow down my face, my breath coming in short gasps. The pain in my heart is like a dark whole, that gets bigger and bigger, slowly changing how I see things. It's like drowning, but waking up everyday, seeing the same people, meeting new people. Smiling for the cameras, smiling for your friends, being a dick. When in reality, you feel as small as a grain of sand and you feel like you could either break or explode in any second. People ask what's wrong, you say nothing. Your brain screams "everything" but you say I'm fine.
Usually when I go home for break during the tours, my dad and I go down to our favorite restaurant, the Kickin chicken. We both order a set of chicken wings, he gets spicy honey mustard and I get teriyaki. Not anymore.
I stand up and throw my hat off.
Then I've got fucking Deborah, my "girlfriend" whom fucks everything with dick. I don't even know why I'm with her. I've said so many things I've regretted immediately. Like what I said to Mel.
I called Jodie a slut. I know she is anything but that. She's a such a vibrant girl. I'm an asshole. I've also made her cry on a few occasions. For her to cry is a lot.
"Dammit carter." I say throwing the pillows off the bed. Adrenaline runs through my veins and my anger boils over the top. I'm seething as I throw the lamp off the desk. An odd feeling of pleasure goes through me as I watch the lamp break into pieces on the floor. Then I hear it.
"One day that's going to be you, shattered all over the floor, broken down. Who's going to be there to sweep up your mess?" my conscious mocks me. I take in a deep breath. I walk to the window, and I think this is the first time I've ever thought about jumping. It's not this whole Jodie thing, it's the compilation of everything. It's like life made it all into a big bowl of soup and is drowning me in it. I close my eyes and hope the feelings stop, the thoughts disperse. They don't. Images of not being here anymore float through my mind. An end to it all. The weight too much to bare anymore.
My room door swings open. I spin around and Jodie stands there. Tears spill from her eyes.
"Carter." she croaks. I wipe my eyes and straighten my shirt. Then she throws herself onto me, wrapping her arms and legs around my body. She sobs into my shirt.
"He's gone, he's really gone." she hiccups against my neck. Then I realize, Jodie was just as close to dad as I was. I rub her back. The comfort of her touch, the familiar smell of flowers from her soft hair.
"Carter I'm so sorry." She says and I close my eyes.
"It's all so much." I say finally and sit her on the bed. When she's done wiping her eyes and face, she looks around the room.
"Carter your ruined this room." I shrug and avoid her eyes.
"Wouldn't be the first thing I ruin." Jodie sighs and pulls me into her.
"Carter, I'm sorry." I rest my chin on her head.
"You've said that a lot, and I think it's me who should be apologizing. I was a dick and everything I was saying, it was all just bullshit. I was trying to be strong, trying to lie to myself and say that none of this was bothering me. when in reality it was eating me alive. When I found out you'd been crying that day on the plane. It was like I'd been stabbed. I never meant any of this to happen." Jodie looks up at me and I wipe the tears that slip from her eyes
"Carter, we've always been so inseparable and, the way you were acting, I didn't know who you were anymore, I thought I'd lost you for good." I lift her chin and search her eyes.
"Carter, you told me men can be evil, you told me one day you'd be evil as well, I promised I'd stand by your side. I lied to you, I broke that promise." she says sobbing. I shake my head.
"Jodie, I was way more than evil, I said things that I should've never said. I never listened to you." Jodie smiles through her tears.
"Deborah?" I step away from her and rub my temples.
"She's my girlfriend." Jodie's head falls.
"Carter I don't think-" I stop her.
"Jodie, look I know." she sighs.
"Look you always told me not to date all those guys that they were all bad, and you were always right. Can you just let me give you advice." Her eyes plead and my body relaxes.
"You're right, I'm sorry, but I don't understand what I'm supposed to do, I like her." Jodie rolls her eyes.
"Do you really?" I nod and she sighs.
"I don't think you should date her but it's your choice."
"Jodie I might love her, I don't know, she's just so.." Jodie nods and smiles at me. She stands up. The height difference in us when she isn't wearing heels is the funniest.
"Are we good?" I ask and she laughs.
"I think I can forgive you." I scoff.
"You think?" She giggles and I wrap my arms around her.
"Jodie thank you. You saved me."
"No we saved eachother, I'd hate to kill our moment, but we still have to go to the funeral." I nod and jodie holds my face with her soft hands. And then she kisses me. Our lips seperate and then meet each other again and again. It's filled with everything she has to offer. She starts to walk out of the room. Then she looks at me.
"Don't let her break your heart." She then leaves the room and I close my eyes and collapse into a ball on the floor. Though we mended our friendship, it still feels like I've lost her.
